The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.

Headwarmer: You stupid, stupid mother f%^ker.

Cashman: If you want to laugh about the skydiving accident — which, I’ll remind you, was for charity — it’s been done to death. Let’s move on.

Headwarmer: Actually, that was for Granderson and Cano.

Cashman: Oh.

Headwarmer: By the way, nice f$%king moves in the sky there, Icarus.

The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.

Cashman: Alright, Headwarmer. We’re heading outside.

Headwarmer: Motherf$%ker. I was right in the middle of the “reincarnated as Kate Beckinsdale’s yoga pants” dream.

Cashman: This is better. Check it.

Headwarmer: Why is Joba Chamberlain posing with the janitor?

Cashman: Janitor? That’s Kevin Youkilis! Signed, sealed and delivered, right out from under the Red Sox’ noses.

Headwarmer: This is how you pretty up last year’s ALCS flushing? I think the janitor has a higher OPS.

Cashman: There’s a method to my madness, Headwarmer.

Headwarmer: Since you were also kicking the tires on Pierzynski should we assume it’s assembling The Justice League of Insufferable Asshats? And if we’re gonna be outside, can I at least have a motherf$%king smoke?

Cashman: ::lights a cigarette and passes it up:: You’re not bringing me down, Headwarmer. This is a coup. A major coup.

Headwarmer: Don’t we already have a shitty third baseman?

Cashman: This is our security provision. Who knows when A-Rod will be back at capacity? With Youk, we’ve got a gritty, hard-nosed guy whose very appearance in pinstripes will be a mortal blow to the Red Sox. This is a game changer, Headwarmer. Probably our best former Red Sox steal since Clemens.

Headwarmer: Or Mike Myers? Or Alan Embree? Or Derek Lowe? or Mark Bellhorn?

Cashman: Wait… did we really sign Bellhorn?

Headwarmer: Can we just finish up so I can get back to my dream, Turkey Tits?

Cashman: Right. You are looking at the photo for the New York Yankees’ 2012 holiday card. Joba and Youk. Together.

Headwarmer: Okay…

Cashman: Everyone’s talking about this “bad blood” between Joba and Youk. This card will set ‘em straight. Show the world that once you don the stripes, you’re family. ::Turns to photographer:: Let’s try a few with Youk on Joba’s lap.

Headwarmer: I may be mere cotton and spandex, but any chance you’re overestimating how this ranks on the “give a shit” meter? Boston dumped Youk’s under-performing ass last year.

Cashman: Are you kidding me? This is a former Red Sox player going to the Yankees. That’s worth four solid weeks of sports radio content. And we’re not just signing a player, we’re sending a message. To all the Boston talent. “If you’re tired of playing in that den of chaos and instability and backstabbing, you can come find paradise in our clubhouse.”

Headwarmer: Paradise? You realize you’re talking about a place where Nick Swisher walks around naked?

Cashman: Whatever. The bottom line is that things are gonna be great. Even Johnny Damon says so.

Headwarmer: And with that, I think I see a clear winner.

Cashman: In the battle for the AL East?

Headwarmer: No, in the eternal struggle between your brain and your pecker for the most worthless organ on your body. Just be sure to take me off before the fans go all Wicker Man on your ass for fielding this team of has-beens.

Cashman: Whatever. ::Turns to Youk and Joba:: Now how ’bout we kick this up a notch with a couple shots of you guys wrestling playfully in the Santa hats. And no shirts.

The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.

Headwarmer: Hey, Cash. How big would you say your nutsack is?

Cashman: What?!

Headwarmer: About 7 centimeters or so? Sound about right?

Cashman: Headwarmer, what are you talking about?

Headwarmer: I just want to know what size vice ownership is gonna need to squeeze those worthless onions of yours once the Yankees get knocked out of contention.

Cashman: Are you crazy? The Red Sox are bottom of the barrel this year. I don’t think I’ve checked their whereabouts since they last limped out of New York.

Headwarmer: Buddy, the Sox are the least of your worries. You got the Orioles and Rays on your ass. Not to mention Oakland in the wild card race.

Cashman: Baltimore? Oakland? What… what are you talking about? All I know is the Red Sox are a good 14 games behind us.

Headwarmer: Maybe. But the Orioles just moved into your backyard. Time to wake up and check the rearview, baldy.

Cashman: I don’t get it. We’re beating the Red Sox. I mean, that’s what we’re supposed to do.

Headwarmer: Tell that to the Steinies when they’re burying your sad ass under a crate of Oakland-Baltimore ALCS T-shirts.

Cashman: What gives, Headwarmer? Not up for a little BoSox elimination party? Man, I hope they can Bobby before October. To juxtapose that press conference with the sale of Yankees World Series tickets… ::swoons::

Headwarmer: Never mind. Forget I said anything. Just keep watching the Good Ship Valentine sink into the Harbor while the Rays and the Os knock down your tents and set the castle on fire. Please–pay no attention to Joe Maddon as he stabs you in the ass with a bayonet. Or to Nick Markakis as he tosses dynamite at that questionable pitching staff you’ve assembled. Or to the A’s as they tie you to a post and screen “Moneyball” on your measly ass.

Cashman: I’ve got a cousin in Holden. Wanna listen while I call him up and give him shit about Gonzo? Tee-hee. ::starts dialing::

Headwarmer: On second thought, I’m gonna tell ‘em to pass on the vice and go straight for the garden shears. Quicker that way. And it’ll be more fun to watch.

Cashman: ::Clears throat:: Yes, hello. Richard Hurtz, please…

The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.

Headwarmer: Okay, let’s see. Running down your 2011 “To Do” list. First, we have “Clinch AL East.”

Cashman: Done.

Headwarmer: Next, we have “Give your most hated division rival sufficient billboard material to kickstart a late-season surge that could very well extend into October.”

Cashman: Huh? Well, I had Russell Martin say he hates the Red Sox. That seemed to piss them off.

Headwarmer: Well played. Next… “make some bizarre, ‘Star Wars’-esque statement about how everything that has transpired to this point in the Red Sox’ season has done so according to your design.”

Cashman: I… you mean that thing I said about how I faked interest in Crawford to drive his price up?

Headwarmer: That’ll work. Next, “forget — like the mindless twink you are — that we’d be better off playing the Rays instead of the Sox in the post-season, and play the final two Tampa Bay series as if they were the playoffs.”

Cashman: I… um. Well, we actually won the series this week. Did you see that?

Headwarmer: I’ll put that down as “accomplished.” Next, “get pulverized in the ALCS by a revitalized Boston team that has somehow discovered how to win again, leading to your tarring-and-feathering at the hands of an angry Bronx mob.”

Cashman: Er. What?

Headwarmer: Well, that’s not really due for a couple weeks. You’ve got time to practice your escape skills.

Cashman: I don’t think I’m enjoying this anymore. Are we done?

Headwarmer: Actually, we just got to my favorite part. “Hit yourself in the nuts with this wooden stick.”

Cashman: Do I have to?

Headwarmer: Actually… you do.

The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.

Cashman: Alright, Headwarmer, let’s go. I’ve got front row seats to Barenaked Ladies.

Headwarmer: Sounds good. While you’re at it, if you’re gonna live in 1998, why not re-sign Brosius and O’Neill. That’d be a sweet move.

Cashman: Enough of your sass. And may I remind you the venue is non-smoking. [grabs a lit cigarette from Headwarmer]

Headwarmer: Then it looks like you’ll be making a couple trips outside whenever there’s a lull in the show. Which I predict will come every f%#king waking moment of it.

Cashman: No way. One smoke break. Maybe two.

Headwarmer: The f$%k you say? Look, you owe me, pinhead. After those goddam comments about Burnett.

Cashman: Huh?

Headwarmer: [Opens newspaper] It’s all over the place. Standing up for that overpaid, tattooed freak.

Cashman: He’s a quality cog in the machine…

Headwarmer: And if that wasn’t bad enough, you drop a line like “smoke the objective pipe.” What the f#$k does that even mean?

Cashman: I was being eloquent. Writers are tired of the same old quotes.

Headwarmer: I don’t know what kinda tricks you learned in prep school, baldy. But unless you’re strung out on heroin in some shady Mexican warehouse where one guy has a gun to your head and another one’s holding a video camera, you don’t use the words “smoke” and “pipe” in the same sentence. Christ, I’ve had Theo Epstein’s baseball cap texting me, giving me shit for the past 48 hours. If I had hands, I’da tapped your nuts with a hammer by now.

Cashman: I don’t need this. Least of all from you, Headwarmer. We’re two years removed from a World Series victory.

Headwarmer: But here’s the thing, Turkey Tits: Aside from you and your Barenaked Ladies T-shirt, no one gives a damn about the past. It’s what you’ve done for us lately and lately, there are problems. A-Rod’s been reduced to self-parody. Jeets got his 3,000th hit and now looks more focused on his next perfume ad. SiSi’s been lit up his last couple times out. Burnett’s an adult version of that kid from grade school who ate crayons and hair and showed up without pants every other day.

Cashman: We’re a half game out of first. Second best record in the league. Gaining momentum for September. The Sox just dropped a series to one of baseball’s biggest jokes, they lost Buchholz for the season, Crawford’s a bust and Gonzalez is a week or two away from admitting he’s got a bum shoulder and won’t be hitting anymore home runs this year. It’s a glorious time to be a Yankees fan!

Headwarmer: I’m not feeling the love. If George was still with us, he’d be gluing one of your hands to the phone and the other to the waiver wire and lobbing hot coals at your worthless sack until we were 10 games up in the division.

Cashman: Don’t question the method. You might think I’m crazy, but I’m not.

Headwarmer: Said the man wearing a headwarmer to a concert in August. And don’t you have a pipe to smoke, Brainiac?

Cashman: You’re made of hell, Headwarmer. Pure unadulterated hell.

Headwarmer: Nah, I’m made of 100% synthetic material. Just like your World Series aspirations.

Well, not exactly. But hearing that the Yankees were kicking the tires on Manny Ramirez brought to mind a rant from the latest Cashman-Headwarmer Dialogue.

Of course, having lost out on Crawford and Lee, I’d expect the Yanks to be looking into just about everyone short of Ron LeFlore.

Keep yourself safe this Christmas Eve. No free-basing Pixy Stix with Julian Tavarez.

BONUS BATTER: Last month, the good folks at Criterion released the 1968 film Head on DVD. I’ve been blathering on about the film from time to time on this here blog, but I have to say again, if you’ve never seen it, try to see it.

Yes, it’s infamous for being one of the Monkees’ last gasps (at least before their MTV-inspired ’80s comeback), but the best way to describe the film is… that it’s indescribable. Oh, and it has Terri Garr, Frank Zappa and a talking cow.

Cashman: Alright, Headwarmer. I think I’ve got this Lee deal figured out.

Headwarmer: Seriously?

Cashman: I’m thinking seven years at three hundred million dollars. But because Texas may counter that with something exotic like a private Nolan Ryan rubdown, I’ve been working on some added incentives.

Headwarmer: Er.

Cashman: So far all I’ve got is free snowcones for life at Sal’s Sno-Cones in Queens, one piece of authentic Ace Frehley memorabilia from the Hard Rock Cafe at Yankee Stadium, and, of course, front row seats to Blue Man Group.

Headwarmer: Um.

Cashman: if pushed, I might throw in my own personal, high-grade copy of The Amazing Spider-Man number 129. That’s the first appearance of the Punisher, as you know. Quite valuable.

Headwarmer: Uh.

Cashman: Of course, I’d rather give him Spider-Man 121, which is the death of Gwen Stacy issue. But, hey, that’s the stuff that we’ll deal with at the table.

Headwarmer: Do you read the papers? Listen to the radio? Lee is gone.

Cashman: Dead?

Headwarmer: No, you dolt. He’s gone to the Phillies. They signed him for less than we offered while you’ve been rappelling walls and dicking around with comic books.

Cashman: It can’t be.

Headwarmer: Oh, it be. The only Cliff you have to worry about now is the one the fans want to throw you from.

Cashman: ::Peers out the window:: Well, like I said the other day, ‘We have a really good team going forward. If [Lee] comes, it will be a huge get. If not, we move forward regardless.’

Headwarmer: I hope that brings you comfort when the first pitchfork hits your ballbag. Also, “a huge get”? Way to throw the lingo, slick.

Cashman: Go ahead and laugh. Go ahead and think they’ve won. But the off-season isn’t over yet, Headwarmer. I’ll get Hanley Ramirez. Hell, I’ll get Manny Ramirez to DH. That’ll stick it to the Red Sox.

Headwarmer: Why don’t you bring back Damon, too. I had a sure thing going with a pair of his wife’s wool slacks before he cut outta town.

Cashman: The goddam Phillies? Christ, it might be time to break my “no whiskey before noon” rule.

Headwarmer: Go cry to your antlers, needle dink. I’ve got shit to do.

* * * * * * * *

Meanwhile… we encourage you to hope aboard the roller coaster that is… the Joe Blanton Watch.

::Somewhere in the bowels of Yankee Stadium::

So. Adrian Beltre. How are you?

Fine. Just fine.

Excellent. And you feel quite comfortable here amongst your friends, right? Because the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees have always been the best of friends. Correct?

That’s true.

So then… as my friend, you’d want to do me a favor, right? If you knew it would make me happy?

Well, shit. We’re friends, right?

Splendid. Now, remember when you helped us eliminate Jacoby Ellsbury and Jeremy Hermida because they were enemies of the Yankees?

I do.

Well, we’ve identified another threat to the Red Sox-Yankees alliance. His name is Josh Beckett. And we need you to take care of him.

Another “collision”?

A collision, a shivving, rat poison “accidentally” slipped in the chewing tobacco. Anythign like that and I think Josh will cease to be a threat to all this peace and goodwill our teams have cultivated.

I see.

Remember: You do nothing until you see the Queen of Diamonds. Got it?

The Queen of Diamonds. Got it.

Excellent. Your flight to Seattle is waiting. And when you arrive back amongst the Sox, you will have no recollection of this conversation whatsover.

Sweet. I like planes.

Wonderful. Now f$%k off.

Nice work. But I don’t know if I understand.

It’s brainwashing 101, Hank. We’ve been using Beltre as our sleeper agent to take out the Red Sox from the inside. So far, he’s done a magnificent job.

Good, good. But just tell me this. Am I talking to Cashman or the headwarmer?

Wouldn’t you like to know…

TO BE CONTINUED!

Headwarmer: Hey, nipplehead. You know who I was just thinking of?

Cashman: Who?

Headwarmer: Brad Penny.

Cashman: Headwarmer, I’m busy plotting the World Series parade route. No need to distract me with talk of that washed-up bum.

Headwarmer: He was actually pretty good a few years back. Like, the last time we played in a World Series game five.

Cashman: Huh?

Headwarmer: Brad Penny. He beat us in game five of the 2003 World Series. Gave up just one earned run over seven. Remember?

Cashman: Not sure I recall it.

Headwarmer: In fact, I think at one point in that series, we were up two games to one, only to lose the next three games. Is that correct?

Cashman: That may be accurate. I don’t really know.

Headwarmer: Of course, the next year we dropped game five of the ALCS to Tim Wakefield, of all people.

Cashman: You don’t say.

Headwarmer: Game five of the 2005 ALDS didn’t end much better for us. That was when the Angels knocked us out of the postseason.

Cashman: Headwarmer, what’s this all about?

Headwarmer: Well, I may be just 95% cotton with some spandex added for extra comfort, but it seems we’ve been having a real hard time winning game fives.

Cashman: You don’t say?

Headwarmer: Just an observation.

Cashman: Look, that was then, this is now. A-Rod’s never been more clutch. Jeter’s being Jeter. Johnny Damon is actually earning his money. And CC and AJ are unstoppable. We’re winning the goddam World Series, Headwarmer. I’ve got a bazillion dollars invested in new players, a new stadium with an obscenely and strategically-designed short porch, and bribe money distributed to every member of the umpiring crew and their families to make sure of it. This ends tonight.

Headwarmer: Glad to hear it. Because if we come this close only to shit the bed, well… if I were you, I’d get used to a testicles-free existence.

Cashman: Thank you.

Headwarmer: No problem, El Douchey.

Cashman: Well, that’s that. Two wins out of three in Boston. Seven and a half game lead in the division. The East is ours and we can pretty much run out the B squad for September to get the boys nice and rested.

Headwarmer: Rested for what? Collapsing in a flaming heap come October?

Cashman: You can’t bring me down today, Headwarmer. The salad days are back, whether or not you choose to notice. New stadium, new dynasty.

Headwarmer: Let’s hit the beach, then. Our work is clearly done.

Cashman: It’s not just me saying it, Headwarmer. Look at today’s Post: “After the Yankees’ thick muscles crushed a season-high five home runs off Josh Beckett last night in an 8-4 victory that was witnessed by 38,008 at Fenway Park, they are 7½ games on top of their rivals, who will spend the rest of the regular season attempting to cop the wild card ticket to the playoffs”

Headwarmer: “The Yankees’ thick muscles”? What is that, gay porn?

Cashman: Here’s more: “The Red Sox, in the four essential series they’ve played over the last 2 ½ weeks, lost two of three to the Yankees, two of three to the Rangers, four of four to the Yankees and two of two to the Rays. Essentially, they are in trouble.”

Headwarmer: You’re giddy.

Cashman: With damn good reason. For once, everything paid off. The free agents are making hay. The stands are packed. The feeling is back. It’s all clicking and I honestly don’t see anyone stepping up to stop us.

Headwarmer: So it’s over? Clinched? Signed, sealed, delivered?

Cashman: I’ve never been more sure of anything, Headwarmer.

Headwarmer: Ah, yes. Reminds me of the last time you were on the cusp of certain victory. Cue flashback!

Cashman: You sure know how to give a guy hell, Headwarmer.

Headwarmer: ::lighting cigarette:: I never give ‘em hell, baldy. I just tell the truth. And they think it’s hell.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: If all goes according to plan, Denton and I will be on the Toucher & Rich show on 98.5FM The Sports Hub tomorrow morning around 8:00-ish. Please tune in and hear us embarrass ourselves in yet another medium!