We all agree that last season was a shitshow for the ages. But did it really happen? That’s the theme of today’s ambitious and, honestly, way-too-drawn-out installment of The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf!

Man, Ells, I can’t wait for the next season to start.

Same here.

Be kinda different without Tito, though.

Agreed.

He was a great manager. The only one I’ve really known here. It’ll be interesting to see how the team does under someone else.

Truth.

I got a lot of faith in John, though. No better person to take the baton from Tito.

Yeah. Uh.

Something wrong?

No. Well. It’s just.

Spill it, man. You got some doubts about Farrell?

No. John’s a solid guy and I can’t wait for the regular season to start. But… I can’t shake this feeling that we’re forgetting something.

Huh?

I can’t explain it, man. I keep having these dreams–you could call them visions–that Terry’s really been gone for a long time and that we were playing for someone else last year.

You think there was another manager of the Red Sox after Terry Francona and before John Farrell? That’s preposterous.

I know. But when I sleep I see images of some guy with grey hair. And wrap sandwiches. And lots of turmoil in the clubhouse.

It’s insane!

You’re right. But it seems so real. Sometimes I find myself wondering… if we just forgot about it.

That’s just crazy, man… it’s justHOLY SHIT HE’S GOT RECALL!

::DOOR TO APARTMENT CRASHES OPEN::

Jacoby, you’ve got to get out of here. I’ll explain later. You’ve been bugged and they’re tracking you. They’re gonna bash down the door in three minutes unless you do exactly as I say.

What the f$%k?! [Searches himself, trying to find the bug]

Don’t bother searching. The bug’s in your skull. Wet a towel and wrap it over your head. That’ll muffle the signal.

Larry, what the hell’s going on?

I advise you to hurry. We don’t have much–

::OTHER DOOR CRASHES OPEN::

That’s enough! We’ll take it from here.

I’m lost. What’s going on?

I’ll be straight with you. There was another manager after Terry. Who he was isn’t important. But what is important is the huge kick to the balls last season turned out to be. So I made the decision, fueled by endless cash reserves and megalomaniacal tendencies, to have the entire team’s memory swiped. Or replaced, if you will, with memories of another season with Terry at the helm in which nothing controversial or out-of-the-ordinary happened. Unless you count Youkilis taking a shower.

So… we played for a different manager last year. And you just erased it from all the players’ brains?

Well, yes. Although we spared Dustin because we needed someone on the “inside” who could let us know if anyone got total recall. Now that you’ve started experiencing it, I’m afraid we’re going to have to wipe your mind clean. Again.

But why?

Because it’s important, Jacoby. And if you don’t believe me, perhaps you’ll believe the a deformed humanoid conjoined to my stomach. [Opens up shirt, revealing Mr. Kuato]

It’s really f#$king important.

So I hope you don’t mind. Guards, can you take Jacoby back to the lab?

::Guards usher Ellsbury away::

Nice work, Dustin.

Whatevs. I don’t feel good about it.

There are perks to playing by the rules. You realize that in addition to erasing memories, we can also implant memories. Even things that never existed.

Serious? So I can finally live the dream of dressing up in drag along with Tom Hanks so that the two of us can stay in an all-female hotel?

As you wish.

F#$king awesome.

The post The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf: Total Recall, Red Sox Style appeared first on Surviving Grady.

So anyway, Daisuke, we’re glad to have you back.

Yes.

Now there’s a couple new and perhaps unfamiliar faces on the team, so I want to make sure you’re up to speed.

Yes.

This here’s Nick Punto.

Hi.

And over here we got Marlon Byrd. Between you and me, Daisuke, don’t get used to this guy.

Uh. Hi.

And this is. Er. Daniel Nava?

Yes.

And over here we got. Um. Help me out, kid.

Daniel Nava.

Waitaminute, we just met Daniel Nava.

Actually, I’m Will Middlebrooks. I just didn’t want to have to correct you.

Heh. He’s funny. I like Daniel Nava.

Thanks.

Not YOU, turkey tits. The OTHER Daniel Nava.

Hell, there’s been so many new faces, I pay the clubhouse kid a tenner to help me keep ‘em straight. Ain’t that right, Pietro?

Who are you calling Pietro? I’m Ryan Sweeney.

::puzzled::

One of your fu#$king teammates.

Well if you’re Ryan Sweeney, who’s this guy?

Scott Podsednik.

Heh. Good one. “Scott Podsednik” retired like years ago after he injured himself eating too much ham.

Well then who do you think I am?

Judging from the dulcet tones of “She’s Gone” I heard this morning in the clubhouse shower I thought you were “Oates” of “Hall and Oates.”

No. And… I thought I was alone in the showers?

Oh, I was under the drains. In the floor. They let me hang out there sometimes.

What?

Who?

Huh?

::eats sandwich::

I’m still trying to figure out why he shouldn’t get used to me? Is that foreshadowing?

Look, you guys can work this shit out on your own. All you need to know is that Daisuke Matsuzaka is pitching for us on Saturday. End of story.

So, er… which one of these guys parks my car?

F$%k, Lacks, we’ll deal with you in September.

Understood. Also, I’m a huge fan, Mr. Oates.

I KNEW IT.

The post NESN Presents “The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf,” Episode 582-D: Nothing a Few Name Tags Wouldn’t Fix appeared first on Surviving Grady.

INITIATIVE #1: TOM WAITS, FIRST BASE COACH

::Cracks one to right field, starts motoring to first::

I got some dragstrip courage, I can really drive a bed…

ANYONE GOT IT? I’M WANTIN’ TWO. HOW DO I LOOK?

I always play Russian Roulette in my head. It’s seventeen black and twenty-nine red…

WHERE’S THE CUT-OFF? I’M GOIN’. AM I CLEAR??

Bay rum lucky tiger butch wax cracker jacks Shoe shine jaw breaker magazine racks…

F$%K IT I’M GOING

Yer out!

::walking back to dugout:: Thanks a lot, asshole.

And it’s you
And it’s you
Shoo-be-doo, ba-ba-da

INITIATIVE #2: CLUBHOUSE SHOWERING NOW OPTIONAL

Bobby?

Yeah?

Your new rule about us players not having to shower after a game is pretty liberating, but, uh… how do I put this…

Speak up, man.

Youk’s jockstrap just escaped from the hamper.

Again? So what?

This time it’s got hostages.

Dammit.

INITIATIVE #3: ROBOT STRENGTH & CONDITIONING TRAINER

Player Kevin Youkilis! You are late for your mandatory massage!

yeah, I’m gonna pass, I think. Those metal claws do a number on my…

INSUBORDINATION WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. ::Extends arms, shoots electric bolts::

Holy shitnips, that thing just vaporized Youk!

Now. Who’s first for their hypodermic bran infusion?

INITIATIVE #4: JOHN LACKEY, COMMUNITY OUTREACH AMBASSADOR

WHY THE F$%K ARE THERE SO MANY GODDAM KIDS AT THE FENWAY FUN FAIR???!

The post “The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf” Presents: Four Brilliant But Ultimately Failed Bobby Valentine Initiatives appeared first on Surviving Grady.

::Somewhere in suburbia::

Best thing about no longer managing is losing that Bigelow Tea contract. ::Pours himself a double bourbon:: There’s my little pre-game pick-me-up.

::Knock at the door::

The f#$k? Who dares come between a man and his whiskey?

::Runs into apartment, jumps up on the coffee table:: Oh captain, my captain!

The hell are you doing, Pedroia? That end-table’s worth more than your car.

Sorry. I was just doing that thing they did in “Dead Poets Society” when they didn’t want their teacher to leave.

I see.

So, you’ll stay now?

Son, I’ve got no say in the matter. The dice have been cast. They needed a scapegoat for 2011. And I’m wearin’ the horns.

Look if this has something to do with Lackey and Crawford, I know people…

Hold on. What the f$%k is that noise outside?

::Stands in front of Teet’s condo holding boombox over his head, playing “In Your Eyes.”::

Jacoby, are you nuts? It’s after midnight. People are sleeping!

Can’t help it, coach. We want you back.

“We”?

Well, there’s me and Dustin. And I think DeMarlo said a few nice things…

Just shut off that radio and get inside, will you?

I took the liberty of packing you a bag and re-stocking your office. Let’s go.

Boys, I appreciate the love-fest but there’s no going back. I’ve been canned. Axed. Forced to carry the blame for everything that went down in September.

But–it’s not fair.

If I had a dime for every time I thought that after a Carl Crawford ground out or a John lackey meltdown, I’d be set for life. But I just kept it all inside and spent every night of the 2011 season shaving my ass and squatting in a tub of whiskey. Sometimes, that’s just the way you have to deal with things.

It won’t be the same without you, Teets.

It’s nice to think that way, lads. I’m just a guy carrying on a rich tradition. A tradition that includes folks like Walpole Joe and Clell Hobson and that Grady fellow. There were plenty before me and there’ll be plenty after me. I’m just proud I got to wear the uniform and get those titles.

I’ll protest! I’ll leave the team. They can’t treat you like that.

Ah, youth. Let’s say I fix a batch of Toll-House cookies. I put together a brief powerpoint that encapsulates my feelings on leaving the team. I’ll fire it up for you guys, and promise to leave out the last few slides intended solely for Henry, Werner and Lucchino that may or may not contain shots of my genitals.

Check it! Here comes Kevin Millar on a hovercraft!

Huh?

What’s up, gentlemen!

What are you doin’ here?

Don’t you guys read the Twitters? I’m the new manager of the Boston Red Sox!

Get the f%^k out of town!

Damn skippy! And I’d like to introduce you to your new first and third base coaches…

Hi! We can’t read!

We’re doin’ the presser at the Cask! Hop on and let’s go.

Hells yeah!

Uh… you guys still want those cookies?

Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure. We’ll be back. At some point.

::Millar’s hovercraft zips off in a cloud of bio-appropriate dust::

How quickly they’ll move on. Looks like it’s just you and me, Peter Gabriel.

Yep. By the way, did I just hear “In Your Eyes”? Cuz if I did, someone owes my ass $8.50.

The post The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf: Every Teardrop for Terry is a Waterfall appeared first on Surviving Grady.

Yo, Ells. Dinklage and I are hittin’ Revere Beach to troll for chicks.

Troll, indeed. Perchance to screw.

Ha! See that? I bring Pete along for the fancy words. Because the ladies know anyone who says “perchance” is serious about gettin’ some.

I got some things I gotta take care of here.

Your loss. Hell, if we get drunk enough, we might even stop by Heidi’s place for a spirited round of “secret UPS man.”

[They leave; phone rings]

Hello?

Hey. Is this Jacoby? Jacoby Ellsbury?

Yeah, who’s this?

Umm… this is Red. You don’t know me but I write this silly-ass Red Sox blog called Surviving Grady.

Who the f$%k is “Grady”?

That really doesn’t matter now. Thing is for your first couple seasons with the team, when you kept going down with injuries and whatnot, uh, I wrote some things about you that I thought were funny at the time, but now I realize they were just mean and stupid.

What kinda things?

Like how you were soft and your heart wasn’t in it and all that. But now that you’re second only to Agon in hits and average and you’ve played more games than anyone on the team in 2011, it’s clear that I was wrong. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.

[Nonchalant] Yeah, sure. Don’t worry about it, it’s no problem.

Wow, that’s great! Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together sometime and have some coffee.

Yeah, sure. I’d like that.

[Relieved] Okay, great! I’ll see you around.

Okay. Bye.

[Jacoby reaches down, grabs a marker and heads to a list on his wall titled, "PEOPLE TO KILL". Once there, he crosses out the name "Red," which appears on the list between "Dan Shaughnessy" and "Jason Mraz."]

Meanwhile, across town, on Heidi Watney’s front porch

I… I don’t understand. Dustin, why are you dressed as a UPS delivery man?

Because I am a UPS delivery man. And this giant package is for you.

[Inside box] Enough with the horseshit questions, woman, just take me inside.

* * * * * * * *

Phone call portion gratuitously borrowed from… you know.

The post The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf: When a Blogger Calls appeared first on Surviving Grady.

I appreciate you offering to drive me to Pittsburgh.

No worries. Teets thought it would make sense. Give you a chance to relax. Find your peace. Get your head straight.

Although I notice we passed the exit for Pennsylvania a couple hours back.

I know a better route. All the GPS I need is right here. ::Taps his forehead::

Also, I notice my hands are tied.

That’s for me, really. I’ve got a thing about people messin’ with the radio dials. One time I was driving Lugo upstate and he kept putting on some crazy salsa music. That’s when I told him I could tie him up, or turn his hands into a pair of flesh-colored oven mitts.

Also, I don’t remember actually getting into this car.

That’d be the chloroform. A relaxation technique I picked up overseas. And you’re welcome.

We’re not going to Pittsburgh, are we, Mike?

If you want to think of a dingy storage facility on the outskirts of Chicago as “Pittsburgh,” well… I guess you could.

Shit. They warned me to keep my bedroom door locked.

::fumbles with the radio:: Hey, Everything But the Girl! Hope you don’t mind if I crank this.

The post The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf: Mike Timlin Solves the John Lackey Problem appeared first on Surviving Grady.

Man, nothing like a few brewskis with the guys.

Yes, we are fortunate for these opportunities to imbibe and commiserate regarding our current malaise.

Malwhat? Buddy I’m just here for the free beer. I tuned y’all out hours ago.

Besides, I think we know what our problem is. ::cough:: daisukeandlackey ::cough::

Huh?

::cough:: daisukeandlackey ::cough::

Come on. It’s easy to point fingers. The question we should be asking is what can we do to help our teammates through their struggles.

Are they getting enough fudge in their diets? That’s where I’d start.

Maybe they don’t know the regular season’s begun. That damn daylight savings always throws me off ::belch::

I remember when Daryl would piss me off, the first thing I’d do would be–

THAT’S ENOUGH OUTTA YOU, OATES. You drink and keep your mouth shut, got it?

I read about this magic healing ointment that works wonders. Of course, it needs to be applied directly to their testicles, so we’d have to draw straws. But—

We could just kill them.

Come again?

You heard me.

I’m not so sure. Did you say… kill them?

Look, people disappear every day. It’s a big world. Lots of space for hiding bodies, woodchipped bones, etcetera.

Are you speaking from experience?

I don’t feel compelled to answer that.

That’s just crazy talk. Do we really want blood on our hands?

Maybe not, say, Buch’s or Lester’s. But Daisuke’s… I might have to think about that.

You’re insane. He’s just joking. Josh, tell them you’re joking.

My sense of humor has long since been brought out to shed and beaten soundly. I just need to know if you’re serious about taking care of these… problems.

As one of the elder statesmen of Red Sox Nation, I insist that there must be a better way.

Maybe, maybe not. A lead pipe to the legs? Kneecaps get better, people come off the DL. Arsenic in their Corn Flakes? If you don’t use the right amount, it’s just a nasty case of the shits and one missed start. You want your World Series bonus hanging on Lackey going 8 strong against the Phillies?

I’m sold. Let’s kill ‘em.

Fellas, I think we may be acting hastily. We’re only 11 games in. I mean, what if they get better?

Sure, they might get better. And, if, say, Bard gets better and Jenks gets better… that leaves us with one bullpen dweller we could do without as well. If you catch my drift.

I’m having none of this. We’re a team. We’re the Boston Red Sox for chrissakes. What’s next? Someone disagrees with Tito so we lace his Bigelow?

::hides rat poison::

I say we all just man up and carry the guys who are struggling. God knows there’ll come a point this summer when we need ‘em to carry us. That’s called being a team, motherf%$kers.

Cap’s right. We’re crazy to think it. Things are gonna turn. We gotta believe.

Alright, fine. Majority rules. But suspecting you might go the peaceful route, I secured an alternate outlet for my pent-up rage.

What’s up, guys?

The post NESN Presents: The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf, Episode 64-B, “Because Nothing Heals Like Beer” appeared first on Surviving Grady.

Our story begins on Christmas Eve in a small but well-appointed Boston townhouse…

Okay, we’ve sung “The Friendly Beasts,” turned the last page of the advent calendar, sprinkled reindeer feed all over the roof…

And I painted my junk green and ran around the block wearing nothing but a Grinch mask.

That leaves just one final Christmas tradition, roomie. The exchanging of the gifts!

My favorite part. For you, Mr. E, I’ve got a rare vinyl copy of Shaun Cassidy’s ill-fated 1980 foray into new wave–the Todd Rundgren-produced Wasp, featuring Shaun’s unfortunate cover of “Rebel, Rebel.”

ZOMG I JUST MISSED OUT ON THIS LAST WEEK ON E-BAY!

Well, who do you think outbid you, buddy? “DemonPenis666″ clearly planned to make his roommate’s Christmas dreams come true when he won that particular auction.

You’re the best, Dustin. Oh, and for you–sixteen hours of Swedish zoologist porn.

It… it’s like you read the contents of my mind and wrapped it up in a box.

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Merry Christmas to you, too, you oft-injured galoot of a pal.

Hold on a second.

Hey, Carl! You’ve received probably the greatest Christmas gift of them all! Getting to stay in our luxury townhouse rent free until the season starts!

Er, although the “free” part of that doesn’t extend to booze. We trust you’ll respect the sanctity of our private stock.

That’s all well and good. What concerns me is all this talk of Christmas. In my house, we celebrate Kwanzaa, and as your guest, I’d ask that you allow me to observe the holiday in my own way.

How’s that and please tell me it doesn’t involve Blue Oyster Cult music.

It doesn’t, but I will be donning the traditional kente and preparing a bounty of fresh fruits and corn.

Fruit? Man, everybody knows Christmas is about turkey and roast beef. It was in the Bible and shit.

That’s your holiday. We’re teammates, now. We have to broaden our horizons. That’s why I also invited Adrian over to help us celebrate.

Hello. And happy solstice to you all.

“Solstice”? I thought that was just something for Dave Matthews fans. That shit’s real?

I don’t think we can accommodate all this stuff. I mean, we’ve got one tree already…

The tree is cool. I also brought a Yule log and some bells to ring.

And I’ve got a menorah to add to the mix.

Youk!? For f$%k’s sake, man, we can’t celebrate Hanukkah, too.

Why not? I even went out of my way to buy you guys a gift–the entire series of “Amen” on DVD. But I’ll assume, in true “Gift of the Magi” fashion, that you sold your DVD player to get me a fancy present and I’ll simply pocket these treasures for myself. Cool?

I’m fine with it.

Josh? What the hell are you doing here?

I’ve actually been here since Thanksgiving. But you haven’t noticed. Because I’m stealth.

Well you might as well tell us what you want to do. Everybody else has chimed in.

What I want to do? Uh. I’ll probably load the pick-up with Moosehead and troll the streets of downtown Boston looking for some inebriated college girls. Then I’ll use my “fake arm cast and sofa” trick to get ‘em into my truck and lock the doors and tell ‘em they can scream as loud as they want but my 2,000 amp stereo will be cranking Toby Keith at ridiculously high volumes so no one will hear ‘em. Then we’ll all drive out into the woods, I’ll light some candles and put on the celebratory grizzy bear skin and maybe untie the girls if they promise to gyrate in time with the music or at least not make a run for the ranger’s office. Then we’ll procure some animal blood and wait for the rapture.

BADASS! What freakin’ holiday is that called?

Holiday? That’s just a typical Saturday night for me, motherf#$ker.

And so, the teammates laughed and, terrified that Josh might be “packin’”, they agreed that the true spirit of the holidays comes from being tolerant of others. Especially your teammates.

Great. Now how ‘bout puttin’ on those f#$kin’ DVDs?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

CAVEAT: The preceding post was presented for purely (and allegedly) humorous purposes. I have no bloody idea what holidays/religions the players embrace. Nor do I give a damn, so long as they whip New York’s ass.

The post NESN Presents: A Very Special Christmas Episode of “Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf” appeared first on Surviving Grady.

Ahem. ::clears throat::

The f#$k? Who are you and what are you doing in my broadcast booth?

Mister Cashman sent me. Said after last night’s loss to the Os it was over for you guys. I’m just here for one song.

The hell you are. Tell that pinhead to rewatch his 2004 ALCS DVDs. Meanwhile, the boys got a song of their own. Hit it, whitey.

::singing:: So if you give us a chance to remember…

The love we had once together…

Wait and see…

F#$kin’ time is all that we really need…

I’m praying you won’t say no. I mean to tell you…

Don’t let it end. Baby we could have so much more.

Don’t let it end. Honey please don’t walk out that door.

QUICK SIDE NOTE: “Honey” represents you, the fan. Not in a weird way. But you see where we’re going with this. Okay, back to the song.

Don’t let it end. I’m begging you, don’t let it end this way.

Don’t let it end. I’m begging you, don’t let it end this waaaaaaaaaaay.

No no no.

No nooooooooo no.

[Editor's note: For maximum effectiveness, cue the video below to 4:12 and follow along from here with the last few lines. It's like 3-D. For your ears!]

What will I do… if you say we’re through? I need you to stay.

Honey…

Don’t let it end…

This…

Way.

Cool tune. And you’ll have lots of time in October to work on some new numbers. Heh.

* * * * * * * *

And for the “full experience,” we offer the musical soundtrack:

The post The All-Singing, All-Dancing, All Positive Vibes Episode of “Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf” appeared first on Surviving Grady.

Do you really want to sit back and rehash that last shitshow of a series at the Trop? Neither does Remy. So let’s get a peak at how some of your favorite players are enjoying life… on the DL!

Welcome to the Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf DL Motel. Checking in?

Yes.

No. We’re not checking in.

The hell you talking about? We drove six hours to get here, Cornelius. During which time I endured your goddam Lynyrd Skynyrd-Allman brothers megamix.

I don’t even know why we’re here.

I’ll tell you why, you hairy bastard. I’m gonna play some cards with Ellsbury’s ribs.

The f%#k? We’ve got work to do, ankle.

Relax. We’re not even at the All Star break. Plenty of time to get right. Let’s just take a few days and relax.

F@#k you, ankle. The DL is for the lily-livered and men of questionable sexual preference. No offense, Jacoby.

None taken.

Can’t you give it a rest. Have a drink. Ooh, and let’s grab a seat over there by Clay’s wife…

Don’t make me f#$k your shit up, ankle. We ain’t going on no DL.

But it’s nice here. They’ve got five different kinds of chips. So much goodness, I can almost overlook the fact that the guys who do this blog are too lazy to find a photo of me in my Red Sox cap.

Plus, Heidi stops by once a day to deliver the paper. Which isn’t a euphemism, of course, because I’m all about reading.

Any chance we can move this line along? I’ve got a check-in here.

Teets! Not you, too?

Not me. Daisuke.

Uh.

Don’t worry, Dice. You’re gonna like it here. Booked you a room in the Jed Lowrie Tower.

But.

It’s gonna be tough. I mean, folks are dropping like flies. We figured your time would come. We’ll just try to wing through this.

But, boss. I’m fine. I mean, I don’t need to go on the DL.

I like your optimism, kid. It’ll serve you well.

Not optimism. I am perfectly fine. I’ve got, like, doctor’s notes and shit.

I wish I had your mental moxie. The ability to make yourself believe anything you want. For instance, that you’re healthy.

But I’m good to go. As John Fogerty once sang, put me in, coach. I’m ready to play.

I guess you just need a little persuasion. Josh?

Hassan Chop! ::Kneecaps Daisuke::

SWEETHOLYGODINHEAVEN. ::crumples to the floor::

I’m guessing about two months of downtime. Can someone get Dice to his room?

On it.

So there’s my rotation spot. My work here done, boss?

Not just yet. We need to visit Manny D out by the pool…

The post NESN Presents The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf: Episode 47, “The Mysteries of the DL” appeared first on Surviving Grady.