Surviving Grady

Remembering the Important Stuff

2009-11-07T11:37:00.002-05:00

I'll never get tired of hating on the Yankees. But this story is a pretty poignant reminder that underneath the unis, we're all just people:

Hours after managing the Yankees to their first World Championship in nine years, Joe Girardi managed to become a hero to a Westchester County woman whose car struck a concrete barrier.

The Journal-News quoted Sgt. Thomas McGurn as saying Girardi put himself at risk in leaving his car to dash across a busy roadway near a "notorious" blind curve.

"He could’ve gotten killed," said McGurn, quoted from the report received by the newspaper. "Traffic goes by at 80 mph."

Girardi felt he hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary.

"Obviously, there’s a lot of joy in what we do, but we can’t forget our obligation as human beings," he said.

Nuff said.

Top Five Things About The Yankees Winning The World Series

2009-11-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

5) We never have to hear "26 Rings" again

4) It's official: even with a World Series ring, A-Rod is a douche

3) Money still can buy championships

2) Joe Girardi can afford the fishfacectomy he has been saving for

1) Tim McCarver can end his 9-year celibacy and have sex with his blow-up Jeter doll

Listen, we all know there's nothing good that comes out of the Yankees winning the World Series, it's like rooting for the Germans to win WWII. So we officially turn our eyes toward the 2010 season and the Jeremy Hermida era.

A Little Traveling Music, Please?

2009-11-06T05:39:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, more than half of the eligible players jumped into the magic waters of free agency, like a horde of shoppers barreling down the halls of WalMart on Black Friday to grab the last Tickle Me Jim Croce.

Not surprising to anyone, Jason Bay was among the first into the pool, looking to improve on the four years and 60 million clams we offered him. Theo has characterized negotiations thus far with Bay as "weird", which is never a good sign. But when the player you covet admits to dressing up as a hula girl in college, well, that's what you're gonna get.

While I think offering Bay anything over four years would be crazy, letting him go creates a whole new slew of problems, especially if Ortiz v2009 was the harbinger of declines to come. Bay brings some intangibles along with his 36 home runs and 119 RBIs; he's a good clubhouse guy, reps himself well in the harsh glow of the spotlight, and has never--to the best of my knowledge--been caught pantsless outside Riley's Roast Beef. In the end, I'm guessing we overpay for four years of his services, but I've been drinking since Wednesday so take that as you will.

In other news, the Sox picked up Jeremy Hermida from the Marlins for Kraven the Hunter Jones and Jose Alvarez. Said Theo:

"Hermida is a player who hasn't fulfilled his potential yet and we acquired him today for a reasonable cost to see if he might be able to fulfill that potential with us. He's somebody who has positive indicators that future performance might be better than his past performance. His Minor League track record, his age, draft pedigree, our scouting reports over the years, indicate that there's a chance he can turn into the player that he was once thought to be."

Not sure whether Theo wants Hermida to spell or replace Rocco or plans on flipping him somewhere else, but the guy's best year at the plate was 2007 when he hit .296 with 18 home runs and 63 RBIs. Also, he's a nice guy, his mom loves him and he once co-signed an auto loan for a friend struggling to get back on his feet.

Joe Girardi, Space Monkey

2009-11-05T06:04:00.003-05:00

Just one World Series title in the twenty-first century? That's unfortunate because, y'know, we've got two.

But I can't give credit to Girardi for the Yanks' World Series win. I mean, when you put a monkey in a li'l spacesuit and send him to the moon in a fully-automated, fully-stocked rocket, you don't give the monkey credit for the spaceflight.

I can't give it to the players, either, since there really isn't a likable guy in the lot (although I still give Rivera props for his tip of the cap to the Fenway crowd during the 2005 Opening Day intros). How long, seriously, until the first off-season story in which Joba or AJ Burnett gets shivved in a barroom altercation?

I guess I have to credit this to the people behind the scenes. The folks who ponied up the 200+ million dollars to assemble this Legion of Super Whores, supplied the steroids, built the obscenely short porch at The Stadium to redefine "home field advantage," paid off the umps, helped the terrorists get the plutonium, made sure the aliens had earth's coordinates and financed the latest Adam Sandler film.

Still, where Yankees World Series wins used to send me down what I like to call "The Pabst Spiral," this one's just an annoyance (thanks again, 2004!). I wanted to see 'em lose just to see 'em lose. But they didn't, so we move on. That said, there's still part of me that hopes Godzilla steps on their worthless, soulless parade. I mean, that ugly f@#k Matsui's been abusing his good name for years. He owes them.

Last thoughts on the subject go to Youk:

Yup. That's just what I thought you'd say.

Nothing Is Over Until We Say It's Over

2009-11-04T19:57:00.002-05:00

Like Red, I am not ready for an off-season involving the number 27 and herds of bandwagon Yankee fans. So I cling to the faith that I generally save only for the Red Sox. And the blissful memories of the 2004 ALCS fuel that faith.

Some Pettitte stats that give us hope (from Newsday.com):

Pettitte is 37 now, and he hasn't pitched on short rest since 2006, when he was an Astro. His record on three days' rest is an uninspiring 4-6 with a 4.15 ERA.
And for all the well-deserved respect Pettitte gets for his postseason track record, the World Series has never really been his thing. As a Yankee, his playoff record is 12-4 with a 3.73 ERA. In the World Series, he is a .500 pitcher, 4-4, with a 4.00 ERA.

By the way, Tim McCarver: Suck it.

Please Save Us, Pedro, From the Most Insufferable Winter Ever

2009-11-04T06:15:00.004-05:00

It's tough to get all hot and bothered about the World Series when the Sox don't have a horse in the race. And, honestly, I don't care who wins it all. So long as it isn't the Yankees.

A Yankees win would really make this one of the most insufferable winters on record. Think about it. Teixeira and A-Rod cozying up to Conan O'Brien. The inevitable "Dynasty Reborn" documentary on ESPN. Joe Girardi peddling authentic game-worn nipple clamps on QVC. McCarver and Buck carrying Jeets up and down Madison on a sedan chair. AJ Burnett pimping Gatorade, Wheaties and "Balls Up" cologne. CC Sabathia guest-starring on a very special episode of "Cake Boss."

And then there'll be the fans. Reminding us daily about their 27 rings. Explaining how Nick Swisher ownz JD Drew. Chanting "2007." Devising some Rube Goldberg-esque argument involving PEDs and cash that somehow renders our 2004 and 2007 titles invalid, conveniently forgetting that their run of late 20th century championships were bought with steroids, bribe money and robot voodoo (hey, I can make shit up, too!).

They'll come out of the woodwork. Dusting off the caps they've hidden in shame for the past nine years. Bragging about how they're a lock for 2010 as they order their double-meat sandwiches at Subway. There'll be parades and keys to the city and "Cano for Mayor" signs and Roger Clemens dropping by to congratulate Andy and say how great it is to see the trophy back in New York where it belongs while he feels up college chicks behind the podium. It will be bragging rights and bullshit and a non-stop hail of "I told you so" calls to sports radio stations.

It won't be as bad as the seething pain I felt throughout the winter of 2003. But it'll be pretty damn close.

On the other hand...

If Pedro comes through tonight. If he shuts them down and shuts them up and forces a game seven. And if the Yankees drop that game seven in their new ballpark. In front of their hometown crowd. Now THAT would be a Christmas gift on par with a Sox Series victory.

If the Phillies win tonight, then all the pressure's on New York. The papers will talk of collapse. The 2004 ALCS clips will roll fast and furious. They'll shake their fists at the sky and ask how much money they have to spend to win one of these goddam things. I can't imagine anything humbling a Yankees fan. But this would come pretty damn close.

One of the problems with working for a company that's headquartered in New York City is that I spend a little too much time in the Apple. I was there on that fateful night in 2003 when Grady Little and Aaron Boone kicked us all in the jimmy. Tonight, ironically, I'll be back there again. With Pedro on the hill in Yankee Stadium and a couple hundred folks in our NY office ready to pounce on me come Thursday morning.

If the Yanks pull it off, Thursday will be the first day of the rest of my off-season. But if they lose, if Pedro comes up huge and the stage is set for another monumental Yankee collapse, I'll be the only guy smiling in the room. And I'll be one step closer to never realizing a winter in which my insufferable Yankees fan friends become even more insufferable.

I'm right behind you, Pedro. Make it so.

Prepare to Launch Yer Lunch

2009-11-03T03:04:00.004-05:00

From the latest US Weekly:

[Kate] Hudson -- who has been front and center at [A Rod's] baseball games since they began dating this past spring -- has been bragging to pals about what a good lover Rodriguez is.

"They love sex!" a pal tells Us Weekly of the pair who began dating in May. "They talk about it all day. Kate gets graphic talking about his body, even to her parents."

This must make breakfast at the Hudson house ultra-special.

Bill Hudson: Kate, will you pass the margarine?

Kate Hudson: Sure, Dad. By the way, you should totally see A-Rod's cock and balls.

Bill Hudson: Awesome.

Well, we'd expect nothing less from a woman dating a guy who has portraits of himself as a centaur. But what burns my ass is if A-Rod and Kate get married, El Toolio will have somehow inserted himself into the family responsible for The Hudson Brothers' Razzle Dazzle Show, sullying yet another one of my childhood memories.

Go Phillies.

The Cashman-Headwarmer Dialogues, Episode 54: Prelude to... Something

2009-11-02T15:56:00.005-05:00

Headwarmer: Hey, nipplehead. You know who I was just thinking of?

Cashman: Who?

Headwarmer: Brad Penny.

Cashman: Headwarmer, I'm busy plotting the World Series parade route. No need to distract me with talk of that washed-up bum.

Headwarmer: He was actually pretty good a few years back. Like, the last time we played in a World Series game five.

Cashman: Huh?

Headwarmer: Brad Penny. He beat us in game five of the 2003 World Series. Gave up just one earned run over seven. Remember?

Cashman: Not sure I recall it.

Headwarmer: In fact, I think at one point in that series, we were up two games to one, only to lose the next three games. Is that correct?

Cashman: That may be accurate. I don't really know.

Headwarmer: Of course, the next year we dropped game five of the ALCS to Tim Wakefield, of all people.

Cashman: You don't say.

Headwarmer: Game five of the 2005 ALDS didn't end much better for us. That was when the Angels knocked us out of the postseason.

Cashman: Headwarmer, what's this all about?

Headwarmer: Well, I may be just 95% cotton with some spandex added for extra comfort, but it seems we've been having a real hard time winning game fives.

Cashman: You don't say?

Headwarmer: Just an observation.

Cashman: Look, that was then, this is now. A-Rod's never been more clutch. Jeter's being Jeter. Johnny Damon is actually earning his money. And CC and AJ are unstoppable. We're winning the goddam World Series, Headwarmer. I've got a bazillion dollars invested in new players, a new stadium with an obscenely and strategically-designed short porch, and bribe money distributed to every member of the umpiring crew and their families to make sure of it. This ends tonight.

Headwarmer: Glad to hear it. Because if we come this close only to shit the bed, well... if I were you, I'd get used to a testicles-free existence.

Cashman: Thank you.

Headwarmer: No problem, El Douchey.

Number 27 or The Choke Revisited?

2009-11-02T14:18:00.002-05:00

I am not ready to give up on the Phillies. 2004 showed me that anything, anything at all, can happen in a seven game series. In my warped mind, last night's win just set the Yankees up for a harder fall.

Cliff Lee brings his Yankee-killing ways to the hill tonight to try to silence the suddenly-vocal bats of the Yanks. And what are the odds A.J. Burnett pitches two good games in a row? Especially since he, like C.C last night, is going on short rest. Manuel held Lee back to give him his regular rest.

Just how much of a pussy can A-Rod be, squawking to the ump about getting hit three times in the series? Breaking news: everybody pitches you inside, douchebag. And did anyone catch that hug A-Rod gave Damon after the game? Makes you wonder...

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Home Field No Treat For Phillies

2009-11-01T10:16:00.003-05:00

The Yankee bats were too much for Cole Hamels and the Phillies, and to top off the suck, it was A-Rod who got things started. With the Phillies up 3-0 in the 4th and Mrs. Tex on first, A-Rod hit an opposite-field shot off a camera face to get on the board. Originally ruled a double, replay clearly showed the ball hitting the camera: home run and A-Rod's first World Series hit was a big one. The Yankees went on to score in every inning following but the 9th, and the Phillies are now looking at a tough road to win it all.

A game three win would have been huge for the Phillies but it wasn't meant to be. To even things up, the Phillies will need to beat C.C. Sabathia. Sabathia has been tough in the post-season but will be going on short rest. Hopefully, he'll be going with a belly full of bite-size Three Musketeers and Tootsie Rolls as well.

Shifting to basketball for a fitting Halloween story: a bat swooped down from the rafters during the Kings-Spurs game. It didn't end well for the bat.

Joe Blanton: just win.

Easiest Halloween Costumes in All of Baseball

2009-10-31T09:23:00.006-04:00

Aaron Boone as Johnny Knoxville.

Adam LaRoche as Scott Ian of Anthrax.

John Halama as Billy Bob Thornton.

Mark Teixeira as Mr. Ed.

A-Rod as A-Rod.

Like Falling In Love Again

2009-10-30T08:35:00.004-04:00

I remember the feeling I used to get before every Pedro Martinez start. It was like being a kid waiting for Christmas morning, your birthday, and hot photos of a semi-nude Pamela Anderson to inexplicably drop from an airplane into your backyard tree fort.

It was good to feel that again last night.

Even though he didn't win -- and by now, it should be apparent to all that the fix is in and Major League Baseball, already paid off by Steinbrenner Inc., will do everything in its power to ensure a Yankees World Series victory, thus making a Yanks victory hollow and asterisk-worthy -- he put on a hell of a show: Six plus innings, three earned runs and eight Ks. And he seemed completely unfazed by the "Who's Your Daddy" chants raining down from the mentally challenged crowd.

And, to paraphrase the great Morgan Freeman at the end of Shawshank Redemption, I hope that last night's Pedro performance, even though he didn't beat the Yanks, puts some fear back in the hearts of New York fans. I hope Pedro has a chance to face them again. I hope that the next game he pitches will be the Phillies' 2009 World Series clincher. I hope he's on the mound when the Yanks' 2009 title aspirations get flushed out to sea. I hope he gets carried off the mound by his teammates after striking out A-Rod to end the series. I hope, at that precise moment, every member of the Yankees organization is brought up on steroids charges. I hope that NY fans spend the night burning their livers with whiskey while Pedro is crowned mayor of Philly. I hope Rodan picks up the new Yankee Stadium with his massive claws and carries it out to sea, tossing it into the tide like an empty soda can.

I hope. I hope.

Pedro Offers You His Protection. Unless You Play for New York.

2009-10-29T00:58:00.005-04:00

So Cliff Lee manhandles the Yankees in Game One, coming into their house, slapping around their guys, drinking all their beer and having his way with their women.

And now, with the Yankees facing a must-win scenario, unless they want to head to Philly down two games, all eyes turn to Pedro.

Petey's been persona non grata in New York for some time, and I can only imagine the "Who's Your Daddy" chants raining down before he even sets foot on the mound. But I'm also guessing there's a bit of fear. I mean, this is the closest these knuckleheads in the Bronx have come to tasting a World Series title in six seasons. In their wildest dreams, did they ever think that Pedro F@#king Martinez would be one of the obstacles they'd have to pass to get to the promised land? What if he beats that stacked line-up and sends them stumbling 0-2 into Citizens Bank Park? What if he comes out victorious against their twenty-bazillion dollar ace?

And I believe Pedro when he says things like wanting to face New York instead of Anaheim in the Series. Like he's got unfinished business or somethin'. Like he still owes them a swift beat down. He certainly sounds pretty fired up in quotes like these, from yesterday's pregame conference:

"You guys have used me and abused me. I remember quotes in the paper, 'Here comes the man that New York loves to hate.' Man? None of you have probably ever eaten steak with me or rice and beans with me to understand what the man is about. You might say the player, the competitor, but the man? You guys have abused my name. You guys have said so many things, have written so many things."

Pedro versus the Yankees. Once again. With even bigger stakes on the line.

This may be the most I've ever been excited for non-Red Sox baseball.

Rooting for the Yankees is Like Rooting for Cancer, Communism and a Creed Reunion Tour

2009-10-28T19:19:00.004-04:00

Honestly, Mazz, I know you need to sell papers and whatnot, so you need to be "controversial" and say things like "Hey, let's all root for the Yankees 'cause it'll get the Sox' front office to spend money."

But even though I know you're speaking as a guy who's gotta move papers and not as a guy who lives and dies Red Sox, I gotta say, with all due respect, that you are out of your tits.

Look, I'll make this clear as I possibly can. I would rather be shrunk down to microscopic size and injected into Oprah Winfrey's asshole than root for the Yankees. I don't care if Theo and the crew have made a secret pact to sign Roy Halladay, Prince Fielder, Adrian Gonzalez, Fred Lynn, Carlton Fisk and Robot Jimmy Piersall in the event of a Yankees World Series victory; I will not, cannot and would never, ever dream of wishing anything but disgrace, torment and empty hands for those ball-washing bastards.

Further, any Red Sox fan who says he or she would root for New York is an alien. Pure and simple.

EDIT: Okay, having thought about this a bit, I've come to the conclusion that the only scenario in which I'd root for the Yankees would be if they were taking on childhood cancer. In that case, yeah, I'd want them to win. Any other circumstances, they can suck it.

What Dreams May Come

2009-10-28T11:16:00.006-04:00

Red mentioned the possibility a while ago but now it has become a reality: Pedro will pitch in Yankee Stadium. For me, this may be the highlight of the 2009 World Series. Unless, of course, A-Rod makes the series-ending error and collapses into a puddle of tears and lip gloss, or CC's ass literally explodes during a game. Other than that, I can't wait for Game Two.

Pedro has always been one of my favorites to ever wear the Red Sox uniform. He brought his own 150-pound version of badassery to this town when we sorely needed it. And he very quickly took to heart the rivalry and developed a hatred for the Yankees akin to my won. Red posted the famous Bowling For Zimmer video and there are other anti-Yankee memories that involve Pedro.

The "head pointing" incident was still being talked about by those in pinstripes just last season:

"I thought he was going to hit me in the head with a bat after we had the fight and he pushed Don Zimmer," Posada said. "It was ridiculous. I mean, he throws at Karim Garcia because he's losing the game. I mean, there's no class."

The Chinless One talks big to the media, but the Pedro-Yankees matchup becomes more compelling based on Pedro's response:

"When I pointed to the head, it wasn't precisely to tell him that I wanted to hit him in the head," Martinez said. "Nah. He's a human being, he has a family, and I'm a professional. [The pointing to the head] was because he cursed my mom. I was telling him, 'I'll remember that.' "

Martinez said Posada should have known better than to insult a fellow Latin's mother.

Jorge probably shouldn't dig in against Pedro. I leave you with a Pedro quote that says it all:

“Wake up the damn Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass.”

Amen.

Thanks Again, Dudes.

2009-10-27T23:04:00.003-04:00

Five years ago, the one thing I never thought would happen in my lifetime, happened. In my lifetime.

I am still in awe of it. Still have to remind myself it was real. And I am sincere when I tell my friends who are Cubs fans that I want to see their team go all the way so that they can experience it, too.

It was glorious and inexplicable and pants-shittingly awesome. And it easily ranks alongside the birth of my children and the invention of Red Bull as one of my life's greatest moments.

So to the members of the 2004 Boston Red Sox, I say, once again, thank you.

No Roberts, No Peace!

2009-10-27T14:56:00.002-04:00

Five years later and STILL no statue of Dave Roberts in this city?

Hey, Menino, you corrupt, bloated bastard. You want to be remembered for doing at least one thing during your fifty years in office that benefited the little man and didn't line your own pockets? Get off your ass and make this happen.

You f@#king politicians have done nothing to make my life better in the past twenty years. But Roberts? Man, he did it in eight seconds.

Give the man a statue. A bridge. A tunnel. Something.

And spend the rest of your days knowing that the only reason you're still in office is that Dave Roberts wasn't running against you. F@#kers.

One For Those Long Gone

2009-10-27T00:40:00.004-04:00

We were saddened to hear of the passing of AB, one of our comments section's regulars. In tribute, we give the mic to AB's brother, BB:

"On October 20th at 7:38am, AB went down swinging and made his final trip to the dugout. AB (AKA Andy Block) was a lot of things to a lot of people. Besides being a disagreeable bastard, he was my brother, my best friend and best drinking buddy. We were able to go to a lot of games together, ball parks were his place of worship, a true Sox fan, born into it, lived it, loved it and hated it. He got to see the Sox win it all, twice, and that meant a lot to him. The picture is from Spring Training 2009 at Fort Myers; AB on the left, BB in the middle, LB on the right. When you get a chance, drink a cold one for him."

No need to twist my arm. Here's to you, AB. From Red, Denton, and the SG crew.

A-Rod: Ever the Good Sportsman

2009-10-26T12:22:00.007-04:00

I'm fairly certain that A-Rod is no stranger to the art of sliding under some dude's legs. But even I was amazed at the blatant elbow-chop he put on Erick Aybar's nutsack while trying to break up a double play during last night's ALCS game. For those who missed it, here's a brief recreation in photos:

See that? Right in the how's your father.

Sending Aybar spiraling.

And eliciting approval from the gin- and delusion-soaked crowd.

...as well as from A-Rod himself.

I can sum up my feelings in two words: Go Phillies.

Also, thanks to our man Curtis Interruptus for finding A-Rod's rookie card.

The Game of the Year?

2009-10-25T06:13:00.002-04:00

I hate to suggest it was the game in which NESN showed the Surviving Grady T-shirt.

But, honestly, I think it was the game in which NESN showed the Surviving Grady T-shirt, sported by our good pal and SG regular Tex, no less.

August 14 in Texas was probably the biggest game of the season. Against the team we were fighting for the wild card, the Sox coughed up the lead in the bottom of the sixth, then staged an inexplicable comeback in the top of the ninth, highlighted by a bizarre pinch-running effort by Clay Buchholz gone horribly wrong, and a key, go-ahead-run-plating double from V-Mart moments later. That night, a Red Sox offense that had been giving us fits and false starts finally came through big when we needed it most, not only bludgeoning the Rangers’ morale, but also reminding us of a time when no game was out of reach, no matter the score, no matter the inning.

The Sox went 30-18 the rest of the way. But in the wake of that postseason collapse, this game remains my 2009 highlight.

And it's not just because of the shirt.

Yours?

What's All The Fuss...

2009-10-24T10:27:00.001-04:00

Here at SG, we like to give people the opportunity to respond to big stories in baseball or just criticize our own off-the-wall, booze-induced opinions. Here to discuss a big story that has been in the baseball news for years, is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: I'm here tonight to speak in favor of Pez in Major League Baseball. I don't understand why one candy is being singled out as the enemy of baseball. This witch hunt against Pez has to end. What next, popcorn and Cracker Jacks being banned from ballparks? How could fans even sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame once that happens? Major League Baseball should be embracing Pez. They could have cute little Pez dispensers with baseball players' heads on them...

Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Yes?

The story was on PEDs in Major League Baseball. Performance Enhancing Drugs. PEDs, not Pez.

Emily Litella: Oh. I'm sorry. Never mind.

**This was my little tribute to the comedic genius of Gilda Radner. For those too young to remember the original Saturday Night Live, do yourself a favor and check out the 1975- 1980 stuff, it was great. Hard to believe Gilda has been gone for 20 years. Like so many of the SNL greats, she was taken from us much too soon.

NESN Presents: Jed Hoyer, Inside Man Episode One: Brokering the Deal

2009-10-23T00:09:00.000-04:00

These are exciting times for you, Jed.

Indeed.

Close to being named GM of the Padres. Living the dream in gorgeous San Diego. That's just a skip to Coranado Bay, you realize. Where the pretty girls run wild and the kegs are forever tapped.

Yes.

I've packed up a few nice parting gifts for you. A couple extra World Champs rings. Commemorative DVDs. Buchholz and Bowden.

Yeah. What?

Buchholz and Bowden. You take them, you send us Adrian Gonzalez. Remember? We talked about this.

Eh. I thought you were joking.

That's unfortunate. Because I thought we had a deal.

Look, I love this organization and what it's done for me. What you've done for me. But as GM of the Padres, I've got to do what's best for my team. That probably means not giving away our best player for one pitcher who gave us a good half-season and another whose best work is on paper.

Great groundball/flyball ratio, though. Gotta love that.

Yes, it's all wonderful, but... it's gonna take a little more to get Adrian.

In that case. I also got you this to remember us by. It's a framed photo from my bachelor party? Remember that night?

Christ, I had thirty-two black and tans. I was... ::examines photograph:: Jesus.

Now when I first realized I had a picture of my assistant GM being pleasured by a guy dressed up as a clown, my first impulse was, maybe his family would wanna see it. But I figure, it's best kept our little secret. A little secret that I may or may not have sixteen more copies of.

That guy in the clown suit...

Julian Tavarez, of course.

Uh. So. Should I just take Clay and Mike with me now or...

Lemme sleep on it. I may just wanna go Reddick-for-Gonzalez, straight up.

To Our Neighbors In The Galaxy

2009-10-22T14:25:00.001-04:00

Please, return the real A-Rod to the Yankees.

We understand you need to do your alien experiments on all sorts of humans, but we really need A-Rod back. Without getting into the whole history of the Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, just know there is a real sense of urgency and this has to happen immediately. Like today

In his past four seasons with the Yankees, the Rod batted .244 with four homeruns and nine RBI in 24 games. He also K's 22 times. In seven games this October, your alien replacement is batting .407 with five homeruns and 11 RBI and has only struck out four times.

As Red Sox fans, we can't really deal with this. We need the sucky A-Rod back in uniform - stat. Feel free to do a few extra anal probes before you get him back to us, and our invitation to take Julio Lugo is always open.

If you won't do it for us, do it for yourselves. As smart as you guys are with your giant heads and sweet UFO's, you must know your cover will be blown by this little stunt if you don't get him back. Everybody knows the real A-Rod can't do the things your droid is doing. And didn't you feel a little dirty putting lip gloss on one of your highly intelligent beings anyway?

Thank you.

Lock Up Your Zims: Pedro vs. Yankees in the World Series One Step Closer to Reality

2009-10-22T01:04:00.005-04:00

First things first, when you walk into my office, the first thing you see is an oversized framed photo of the Post cover pictured above. Because it is unquestionably the shit.

Next, although I'm sad that I won't get to see Manny torment the likes of CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett, the Phillies' NLCS victory sets up a most intriguing possibility: Pedro Martinez pitching against the Bombers in the World Series.

How freakin' cool would it be to see li'l Pedey once again stuffing defeat up the Yankees' south 40s? I can't imagine the Phillies would let him pitch at The Stadium; more likely they'd deploy The Pedro-Bot in the comfy confines of Citizens Bank Park. But if they did set him loose in the Bronx? Man, it'd be like something out of that wrestling scene in Escape from New York.

I'd choose that over porno. Any day.

Er, of course, until then... go Angels!

* * * * * * * *

Oh, and on the subject of Zim vs. Pedro, let's go to the videotape. Still the most surreal thing I've ever seen in a Major League Baseball game, unless you count A-Rod actually coming through in the playoffs this year. If ever there was a Sox-Yanks series in which someone could have gotten shivved, it was the 2003 ALCS.

Picking Your Poison

2009-10-21T07:05:00.006-04:00

Our pal Lisa from Subway Squawkers asked me to participate in a brief Q&A session for the Faster Times blog. One of the questions asked was, "What would upset you more: seeing Manny win a World Series with the Dodgers or seeing the Yankees win the World Series."

With the Phillies holding a 3-1 series edge, the former seems increasingly unlikely. But, honestly, this question is a no brainer.

First of all, I just don't harbor the ill will toward Manny that a lot of Sox fans seem to. The dude made a shitload of money, put up some amazing numbers, provided an endless source of entertainment (especially critical during the Dante Bichette era), helped us win a couple rings, and wasn't named "Shea Hillenbrand." For those things alone, he gets a lifetime pass in my book. Jack McCormack and some of his teammates may disagree, but as for that stuff, I wasn’t there, and I can’t fully rely on third-party commentary when I know full well what a powerful PR machine can do when it wants to run somebody outta town. The bottom line is that seeing Manny hoist a trophy in his LA blues would be just fine by me.

The Yankees, on the other hand, can pound sand. I’m rather enjoying their trophy-less status in the twenty-first century, and would be happy to see a World Championship elude them for yet another season.

You?