Dear Red Sox Ownership: It’s me again. The guy with the puppet and the blog. You may have stopped reading my mail after my petition for a Julian Tavarez all-nude theme-ride on Lansdowne and Wes Chamberlain Cuddle Pillow Night, but I felt compelled to write you one more time.
You see, I know that part of the reason you spent large cash on Pablo Sandoval was that in addition to his ability to (potentially) go ass-crazy with a bat, he is one of the more marketable stars in baseball today. For starters, he’s a bit on the hefty side, and America’s love of hefty ballplayers goes back to that time Jimmy Carter tapped Greg Luzinski to serve as our ambassador to Iran.
For another, he’s got a nickname — “Panda” — that presents a potential marketing cash cow. There’s little surprise you folks hired a guy in a panda costume to be on hand during Pablo’s introductory presser. I’m just here to help you bring it to the next level; to maximize your investment and make sure you’re squeezing every last dime from Red Sox Nation.
So please allow me to pitch several exciting ideas, conceived by me and some fellow waterfront hobos, that I believe would fit nicely in your 2015 plans.
The Panda Pit: Right now, Fenway’s visitor’s bullpen holds about 15 players and, let’s face it, gives opposing teams a bit of edge. I mean, why allow them to warm-up a pitcher who might come in and shut our guys down? I say bulldoze it and, in its place, construct a play area where up to 100 ticket- and snack-buying kids can frolic with live baby pandas. Side note: are baby pandas vicious? We should probably research this in advance.
The Panda Deck: Imagine, if you will, a premium seating area extending from the third base line right out to third base! Will it mess with balls in play? F#$k yes. But, more importantly, it will attract those fans willing to pay a premium to sit within “touching distance” of Pablo himself. And yes, I know that my definition of “touching distance” is part of the reason Heidi Watney left Boston, but trust me on this. People will come. With money.
Pablo the Panda: The perfect foil to Wally, Pablo would be a live panda that greets ticket-buyers at the Fenway gates, engages in between-innings frolicking (unicycling, scaling the Monster, chugging beers with Bud deck patrons, mauling opposing players, etc.) and has his own NESN sitcom (details to come but I see Arnie Beyeler involved in some level). Again, we probably want to see if pandas are truly as docile as they seem, but I’ll leave that to you eggheads. I’m just an idea guy.
Panda-monium: This one’s a little out there, but stay with me: five lucky contestants (from a pool of $100 chance-buyers) are soldered into Panda costumes, then air-lifted and dropped into the wild. The first to make it back to the Fens enjoys dinner at Fresco’s with Sandoval himself and is entered into a extra-special drawing to have his/her DNA genetically spliced with the Red Sox player of his/her choice (for obvious reasons, Tavarez and Curt Leskanic will not be options). Those who don’t make it back become property of the Franklin Park Zoo.
Wes Chamberlain Cuddle Pillow Night: Now that I have your attention… I think you seriously need to reconsider this one.