The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.
[SCENE: Cashman and Headwarmer remain hunkered down in an office inside a secured Yankee Stadium. Meanwhile, an angry mob stands outside the Stadium, held back by a barbed-wire barricade.]
Headwarmer: The crowd looks particularly ugly today.
Cashman: [tapping at keyboard]: Right, right.
Headwarmer: Whatcha typing there? I hope it’s an apology to those people out there.
Cashman: Huh? We’ve got nothing to apologize for. This was another great year for us.
Headwarmer: Right, right. From first place to third, and with the league’s highest payroll, no less. It’s a thrill to watch you work your magic, sir.
Cashman: Whatever. I’m trying to hash out these postseason plans.
Headwarmer: ::spits out cigarette:: Postseason? You should be able to do that in just five words: golf, sleep, continue being worthless…
Cashman: I’m talking about Mariano’s goodbye tour. I’m reaching out to Bud to let us continue it through the postseason. That way, the Yankees remain a prominent fixture throughout October.
Headwarmer: Christ, haven’t we done enough? Even Mariano got tired of seeing Mariano this season. You had your circle jerk with Andy and Derek in front of the home crowd. That’s it. Let it go.
Cashman: October means Yankees, Headwarmer. I don’t care if we’re not playing, Mariano Magic made 2013 special. Just listen to what I’ve got planned: We’re having Mariano parachute into tonight’s AL Wild Card game to sing “God Bless America.” And get this: Bernie Williams has agreed to accompany him on guitar.
Headwarmer: Is he singing it English? That could take weeks.
Cashman: Next, when the ALDS opens in Boston, we’ll have Mariano come out and re-enact his infamous hat-tip to the crowd. And we’re gonna have some techy guys capture it to create a new website: “MarianoTipsHisCapToYou dot com.” So, like, whenever someone does something cool, you can send them THEIR OWN PERSONALIZED MARIANO HAT TIP.
Headwarmer: I think I just saw someone scale the fence…
Cashman: Then, before the ALCS, we’ve got a little tie-in with Taco Bell called “Munching on Mariano.” They’re gonna create a fifty-foot Rivera statue out of taco shells, and some lucky fans will get to eat it — with their choice of toppings, of course — during the series.
Headwarmer: Yep. Someone’s over. Now a few more are coming.
Cashman: The World Series event is still being formulated. All I know is I heard the PR guys saying something about “three hundred gallons of mustard.” So I’m pretty jazzed.
Headwarmer: ::starts shredding documents:: Who the f–k built that so-called barricade? Richie Sexson? They’re walking right over it.
Cashman: Of course, this is all in addition to that new thing MLB’s gonna offer, in which for just fifty grand, fans can have a chip surgically implanted in their brains that will enable them to experience feelings just as Mariano feels them. It’s like so far out I can’t even begin to describe it.
Headwarmer: ::smashes hard drives on all office computers:: One of them’s holding a wooden stake with a sign that says “reserved for Cashman’s head.” I’d pick up the pace, sport.
Cashman: Meanwhile, I still have to review a few more product pitches, including a Mariano Hugmobile, a line of Hostess cakes shaped like baseballs but with something they describe as “the thrilling taste of Mariano’s slider,” a brand of cleats that “emit love,” and some oven mitts with his face on them. Oh, and there’s also an offer on the table for a recurring guest spot on Law & Order: SUV for Mariano to play a kindly but misunderstood greengrocer who hangs out at the Little League field a bit too much.
Headwarmer: ::sets fire to filing cabinets, jumps into pneumatic tube:: I’m out. Give my regards to the atom smashers.
Cashman: I gotta say, I’m intrigued about this whole “emitting love” thing.
[Angry mob crashes through office doors. A scream is heard. Fade to black.]