Apparently concerned that the “Will Jackie Bradley Jr. hit forty home runs and gain the ability to bend precious metals with his mind” drama might not be enough to keep asses in seats this season, Red Sox ownership is rolling out a contingency plan. And it’s my favorite kind of plan, because it involves cheap beer. Or we should say cheaper beer–at least by Fenway standards, where buying a round often requires a 401k loan.

According to today’s Globe, the Red Sox Master Plan involves offering five dollar drafts and buy-one, get-one Fenway Franks. You hear that colon? Better get your f#$king act together quick.

There’s no word on what kind of beer they’ll be doling out for five bucks, though it wouldn’t surprise me to see a couple of Hamm’s tankers lining Lansdowne over the next few weeks. That said, five dollar drafts is certainly a better option than wearing two pairs of cargo pants and filling all the pockets with Gansett tall boys (which has been part of my “Fenway Survival Plan” since the late ’80s).

Of course, as you might expect from the team that brought you Ivan Calderon, there’s a catch. This price drop is–so far–only good for April. Or seventeen home games, to be precise. But if the Sox stumble out of the gate, it wouldn’t surprise me to see some kind of Plan B. I’m just hoping it’s “Two dollar drafts while Jenny Dell sits on your lap,” something I’ve been pitching to ownership for over a year now.

Saving a couple bucks on beer might not seem like much. Me, I’m easy. Cheap beer and a manager who isn’t certifiably insane is pretty much all it takes to win my heart.

And before you go knocking cheap beer, understand this: scientists drink that shit! Check it:

*Er, if you really do want to place your bets, here’s the Kentucky Derby 2013 schedule.