We all agree that last season was a shitshow for the ages. But did it really happen? That’s the theme of today’s ambitious and, honestly, way-too-drawn-out installment of The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf!
Man, Ells, I can’t wait for the next season to start.
Be kinda different without Tito, though.
He was a great manager. The only one I’ve really known here. It’ll be interesting to see how the team does under someone else.
I got a lot of faith in John, though. No better person to take the baton from Tito.
No. Well. It’s just.
Spill it, man. You got some doubts about Farrell?
No. John’s a solid guy and I can’t wait for the regular season to start. But… I can’t shake this feeling that we’re forgetting something.
I can’t explain it, man. I keep having these dreams–you could call them visions–that Terry’s really been gone for a long time and that we were playing for someone else last year.
You think there was another manager of the Red Sox after Terry Francona and before John Farrell? That’s preposterous.
I know. But when I sleep I see images of some guy with grey hair. And wrap sandwiches. And lots of turmoil in the clubhouse.
You’re right. But it seems so real. Sometimes I find myself wondering… if we just forgot about it.
That’s just crazy, man… it’s justHOLY SHIT HE’S GOT RECALL!
::DOOR TO APARTMENT CRASHES OPEN::
Jacoby, you’ve got to get out of here. I’ll explain later. You’ve been bugged and they’re tracking you. They’re gonna bash down the door in three minutes unless you do exactly as I say.
What the f$%k?! [Searches himself, trying to find the bug]
Don’t bother searching. The bug’s in your skull. Wet a towel and wrap it over your head. That’ll muffle the signal.
Larry, what the hell’s going on?
I advise you to hurry. We don’t have much–
::OTHER DOOR CRASHES OPEN::
That’s enough! We’ll take it from here.
I’m lost. What’s going on?
I’ll be straight with you. There was another manager after Terry. Who he was isn’t important. But what is important is the huge kick to the balls last season turned out to be. So I made the decision, fueled by endless cash reserves and megalomaniacal tendencies, to have the entire team’s memory swiped. Or replaced, if you will, with memories of another season with Terry at the helm in which nothing controversial or out-of-the-ordinary happened. Unless you count Youkilis taking a shower.
So… we played for a different manager last year. And you just erased it from all the players’ brains?
Well, yes. Although we spared Dustin because we needed someone on the “inside” who could let us know if anyone got total recall. Now that you’ve started experiencing it, I’m afraid we’re going to have to wipe your mind clean. Again.
Because it’s important, Jacoby. And if you don’t believe me, perhaps you’ll believe the a deformed humanoid conjoined to my stomach. [Opens up shirt, revealing Mr. Kuato]
It’s really f#$king important.
So I hope you don’t mind. Guards, can you take Jacoby back to the lab?
::Guards usher Ellsbury away::
Nice work, Dustin.
Whatevs. I don’t feel good about it.
There are perks to playing by the rules. You realize that in addition to erasing memories, we can also implant memories. Even things that never existed.
Serious? So I can finally live the dream of dressing up in drag along with Tom Hanks so that the two of us can stay in an all-female hotel?
As you wish.