The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.
Headwarmer: Hey, Cash. How big would you say your nutsack is?
Headwarmer: About 7 centimeters or so? Sound about right?
Cashman: Headwarmer, what are you talking about?
Headwarmer: I just want to know what size vice ownership is gonna need to squeeze those worthless onions of yours once the Yankees get knocked out of contention.
Cashman: Are you crazy? The Red Sox are bottom of the barrel this year. I don’t think I’ve checked their whereabouts since they last limped out of New York.
Headwarmer: Buddy, the Sox are the least of your worries. You got the Orioles and Rays on your ass. Not to mention Oakland in the wild card race.
Cashman: Baltimore? Oakland? What… what are you talking about? All I know is the Red Sox are a good 14 games behind us.
Headwarmer: Maybe. But the Orioles just moved into your backyard. Time to wake up and check the rearview, baldy.
Cashman: I don’t get it. We’re beating the Red Sox. I mean, that’s what we’re supposed to do.
Headwarmer: Tell that to the Steinies when they’re burying your sad ass under a crate of Oakland-Baltimore ALCS T-shirts.
Cashman: What gives, Headwarmer? Not up for a little BoSox elimination party? Man, I hope they can Bobby before October. To juxtapose that press conference with the sale of Yankees World Series tickets… ::swoons::
Headwarmer: Never mind. Forget I said anything. Just keep watching the Good Ship Valentine sink into the Harbor while the Rays and the Os knock down your tents and set the castle on fire. Please–pay no attention to Joe Maddon as he stabs you in the ass with a bayonet. Or to Nick Markakis as he tosses dynamite at that questionable pitching staff you’ve assembled. Or to the A’s as they tie you to a post and screen “Moneyball” on your measly ass.
Cashman: I’ve got a cousin in Holden. Wanna listen while I call him up and give him shit about Gonzo? Tee-hee. ::starts dialing::
Headwarmer: On second thought, I’m gonna tell ‘em to pass on the vice and go straight for the garden shears. Quicker that way. And it’ll be more fun to watch.
Cashman: ::Clears throat:: Yes, hello. Richard Hurtz, please…