If it’s safe to assume that Bobby V will be taking the dirt nap soon as far as being Red Sox skipper, it’s time to start thinking about who’ll be leading the team in 2013. Rather than regurgitate the same old John Farrell-DeMarlo Hale stuff we hear from every corner, I figured I’d toss a few more names into the ring.
Pros: What? An actor can’t be Red Sox manager? I bet you also thought an actor couldn’t be President of the goddam United States before Reagan buried his foot in your Commie ass. As the son of Bart Giamatti, Paul already has at least a spiritual connection to the Red Sox. Also, press conferences could be things of epic beauty, especially if he embraces his inner Harvey Pekar or starts comparing the team’s performance to his movies (“I gotta tell ya, we really played like Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes today.”) Don’t forget that his work on Private Parts already groomed him for some awesome local station promos (“W-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-E-I”).
Cons: Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes.
The Robot from LOST IN SPACE
Pros: Takes little or no shit from humans. Ability to shoot laser blasts from its hands will keep unruly rookies and surly veterans in line. X-Ray sensors can detect beer hidden in locker trunks. Toiled in the Pirates farm system as a Coke vending machine for years, making the rise to manager a true MLB “feel good” story.
Cons: Once the players discover the battery pack, we’re f$%ked.
Pros: Tough-guy persona just the thing the clubhouse needs. “I survived plane crashes, bullfights and the Normandy Landing,” could shame even the wiliest of players into staying off the DL with a sore hammy. “Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls… It Tolls for Rubby de la Rosa” would be the T-shirt slogan of the decade. Also, “Bullfight Night at Fenway” is another cash cow waiting to happen.
Cons: The fact that he’s deceased, and therefore unable to speak or form rational thoughts, could be a hurdle, although it never stopped Joe Kerrigan.
Pros: Nothing brings a team together like pre-game whiskey belts.
Cons: Could be a bad or even destructive influence on younger players. “Game called on account of hangover” could become a painfully familiar refrain.
“The Triumvirate of Ex-Catchers” featuring Varitek, Mirabelli and Fisk.
Pros: With so many people pining for Tek to take the reins, why not give ’em what they want, along with some bonus former Sox catchers who could provide back-up. Three heads are better than one, after all, even if one is Doug Mirabelli.
Cons: One is Doug Mirabelli.