Amazingly, we are still not in last place.

Preposterously, we are only 5.5 games out of the wild card.

Realistically, the last couple months of the Red Sox’ season will be about as awesome as getting your tongue stuck in a toaster while a couple of crazed marmots have at your sack.

Personally, I feel that the last decade of Red Sox action has been an embarrassment of riches. Six playoff appearances and two World Series titles in ten years? As someone who grew up pinning my hopes on the likes of Luis Aponte and Gary Allenson, I can say it’s been a damn good run. We were due for a bottoming-out, an absolutely shitshow of a season to help us put things back into perspective and remember just how sacred a trip to the playoffs can feel.

Last Saturday night’s nut-crushing loss to the Twins was kinda the death knell for 2012. Not really, of course, because, as I mentioned, as they are only 5.5 games out of the wild card. But after that one ended, I think we all kinda knew what we wouldn’t be doing in October (hint: playing).

So all we can do now is hope for the following things: that the team can finish above .500, save a bit of face, give Grandmaster Bobby V some idea of what he’ll be doing in 2013 and whether or not he’ll be doing it for us, and try to at least make things interesting as the clock runs down.

Also: free lapdances.