Want a balloon? Maybe a win?

I’m sure after last night’s win people were all set to order their World Series tickets. Not so fast, Junior. In case you haven’t been paying attention, this is the same dysfunctional Boston Red Sox clubhouse that fell apart last September. They’re a .500 team that needs a big shake-up if they’re going to make a run. Let’s review the antics from the home team over the past several days:

Josh Beckett: After the former Commander’s latest outing where he gave up three runs in the first inning before settling down, Beckett blamed the flu. To be more specific, the medicine he was taking for the flu.

“I think the Z-Pak (Zithromax) just zapped me,” he said. “It took me a long time to gather myself between pitches. I felt better today as far as the sickness goes.”

But after the first inning, he said, “I was just making better pitches. I certainly felt the same way the whole game . . . I don’t think it was physically a problem as far as my body goes. In between pitches it was borderline blackout periods. The only thing I could think it was is the medicine.”

The dreaded Z-Pak! How many have fallen victim to this scourge?

Adrian Gonzalez: Gonzo, as you know, begged out of the last game before the break with a devastating case of the sniffles. After the 4-day break, he was out of the line-up again. This time it was a sore back.

During a trip to a local mall in Tampa Bay, the Red Sox first baseman was looking to grab a cup of coffee. But upon running into a family, Gonzalez bent down to engage a young child in a stroller.

As he hunched over, Gonzalez felt his lower back lock up. While he eventually returned to the Red Sox lineup on Sunday, the back spasms caused Gonzalez to miss the first two games of the three-game series against the Rays.

Clearly this was some demon-child with some voodoo-back-breaking spell planted in the mall by the Rays. It’s the only logical explanation for anyone under the age of 90 to hurt their back saying “hi” to a child.

David Ortiz: I cannot believe that Big Papi has become part of the injury brigade. Running the bases, always a dangerous undertaking, is what took out the big guy. Keep in mind we’re not talking about busting down the line on an infield hit or trying to score from second on a hard-hit single. We’re talking about jogging around the bases courtesy of a home run.

“This (expletive) team is cursed,” Ortiz said after Boston’s 5-1 win over the Chicago White Sox.

There’s the magic word, get ready for a Shaughnessy sequel.

John Lackey: What the hell is that useless bag of crap doing on the Red Sox bench? I thought we were rid of him until next year?

Dice-K: Whatever.

Daniel Bard: Who?

Jon Lester: He was a strike-’em-out-throw-’em-out double play away from a disastrous one inning start. As it turned out, he gave us a disastrous four inning start. Remember when we thought he was our ace? The Sox have lost seven of his last eleven starts.

Sorry folks, the team as currently constituted, is going nowhere.