In a perfect world, here’s how tonight’s Sox-Yankees game goes:

Jon Lester channels his bad-ass self from years past and shuts the Yanks down.

Ortiz hits seventeen home runs (unlikely but not technically impossible).

Even though we are up 22-0 in the eighth, Vicente “Call it, Friendo” Padilla is called in to face Mark Teixeira.

Teixeira gets drilled in the ass (insert “Is it Friday already” joke here) and charges the mound, only to get taken out Hawkeye-style by Mike Timlin, firing his cross bow from the Bleacher seats.

Sox win, split series, keep their asses out of last place for yet another day.

Jenny Dell interrupts on-air post-game interview to ask if I’d be willing to return the thong she left at my place last weekend. But I won’t, you see. Because it’s all I have to remember.

And so it begins. Now.