1. Sherman Hemsley (deceased, yes, but still inspiring more confidence)
2. Chris Difford
3. A log
4. Jessica Biel (not sure how she throws, but if she promises to bend over and adjust her cleats a couple times an inning, the job is hers)
5. Ken Tatum (’70s Sox pitcher)
6. Bonus Ken Tatum (the clone of ’70s Sox pitcher Ken Tatum who was created in an MIT lab to cover for him on difficult road trips and nights he just didn’t feel like snuggling up to Mrs. Tatum)
7. Derek Holland (this would be a shrewd psych-out strategy by the Sox, because, since he’s the Rangers’ starting pitcher tonight, Holland’s very presence on the mound against his current team would send shockwaves of confusion and emotion to effectively shut down the entire park. At which point our boys could sneak out of the building, hopefully grabbing some cold cuts and “Mountain Dews” from the clubhouse spread before leaving.)
8. Jean Valjean (fictional character, but still)
9. Craig Grebeck (fictional character, but still)
10. Eddie, the Enchanted Desk Lamp

Unfortunately, none of those people were available, so we’ll make do with Beckett. Not that it will be easy. We’ve lost six of his last seven starts, and somehow I don’t see him reaching back for that 2007 magic against a line-up as formidable as the Rangers’.

I’m not one for bold statements, but let me propose this: if the Red Sox win tonight behind Beckett, I think they’ll make the playoffs. Winning a series from the second-best team in baseball will be just the spark they need to stop sucking so damn much.

If they lose, they won’t.

There. Simple as that.