Not even two weeks into the Red Sox’ June and, to quote the great Bobby Cobb of Cougar Town, “my heart already feels like it’s got a fat chick sitting on it.” But I have a feeling that this series against the Marlins could be the turning point. THE CARDS FOR DRAMA AND EXCITEMENT ARE ON THE TABLE, PEOPLE.

For one thing, we’ve got an increasingly irritated Bobby V squaring off against the perpetually irritating Ozzie Guillen. During spring training, these two had some words and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some lingering resentment (And trust me, folks, I know lingering resentment. In fact, I haven’t spoken to several family members after they wrongfully implicated me in the disappearance of some Triscuits at a picnic in 1998.) I would imagine that both managers’ game plans call for hitting each other in the head with mallets.

For another, we’ve got Josh Beckett facing his former team, a scenario that I like to think brings out the repressed homicidal maniac that dwells within him.

Lastly, we’ve got a Red Sox team that’s lost seven of its last ten games running headlong into a Marlins team that’s lost six straight. The conditions are ripe for ANGER and EMOTIONS and BUTTONS BEING PUSHED. And I say bring it on. We need something to happen to show us that this team still has some interest in being relevant come August. I want a Mel Gibsonesque Braveheart speech in the clubhouse or Jack Daniels IV bags placed at every locker. Last place is no place for a team this expensive. If it takes the Miami heat for someone to snap, then I’m all for it.