Greetings, land-dwellers. Over the past twenty-four hours I have been walking among you, due to a meeting with Black Manta’s parole officer and the requisite trip to Kelly’s Roast Beef. During this time, I have absorbed much of your “sports culture” through talk radio, coffee shop chatter and the color talking box. Based on this gleaned information, I am happy to relay the following facts pertaining to your 2012 Boston Red Sox:

1. This “Bobby Valentine” is both a puppet leader and clown.

2. Letting Papelbon escape was the single greatest mistake in franchise history.

3. The one called Aceves lacks the intestinal fortitude to close and is best left as set-up man.

4. Daniel Bard should be forced into the closer role and beaten with reeds if necessary.

5. This is what management gets for doing things “on the cheap.”

6. The season is over.

I hope this analysis is helpful to you in deciding whether or not to continue to watch the team throughout this year’s campaign. Oh, and fair warning: Word from my eel friends tells me that Merdo the Wizard’s weather machine may negatively impact Fenway opening day. Just putting that out there.