Number One

Ben, I suppose you’re wondering why I called you here to my office so early on a Sunday morning.

It had me curious.

The thing is, we’ve been in touch with Theo. We’re going to bring him back.


Yeah, we’re not sure things are moving in the right direction here, so we’re going back to the Epstein Era. Hope you’re okay with that.

That’s actually fantastic news.


Seriously. Valentine’s a pain in the ass and the players are still disgruntled and this whole team’s gonna blow up like a packed toilet come August. I’m more that happy to leave this mess to Theo.


Man, I feel like I’m born again. What a load off my shoulders.

What about a job…?

Don’t worry about me. My brother in law just bought a Subway franchise in Eastie, so I’m fine. ::Walks out the door, whistling::

Well that was unexpected. The f$%k do we do now?

Not sure. You still got DeMarlo’s number?


Terry? It’s Hazel.

Uh. Yeah?

Bad news. I’m pregnant.

::Screams and throws himself out window::

April Fools!



::picks up phone:: Hello?

::ahem:: Kevin? This is your doctor.


Yes, I’ve got the results of your latest tests and it appears that you’re suffering from a bad case of Man Boobs. Also, chronic halitosis and aggressive ass rash and ultraviolet urine and pancake balls and gopher ear and that problem with your hands was apparently triggered by unrelenting self-pleasuring.

You already told me that during my last office visit. Anything new?



Number Four

It’s ten minutes to game time. Where’s that rascal Jerry?

Didn’t you get the memo? He’s been canned. I’m your new partner.

NOT UNLESS I GUT YOU FIRST, McCARVER! ::Removes rusty blade from inside coat pocket and stabs McCarver in the chest::


Don! Have you been drinking? It was a motherf$%king April Fool’s Day joke!

Dammit. I should have seen it.

Well, what the hell do we do now? We’ve got a game to call and now a potential murder rap to deal with.

Not necessarily. Help me get him over to the Pike. This could look like a well-timed accident.