Earlier this week on EEI, D&C wondered who the Red Sox would tap to toss the ceremonial first pitch at Fenway’s 100th anniversary game vs. the Yanks on April 20.
It’s a damn good question. And precisely the kind of topic I like to debate over my breakfast vodka and bran muffin.
For the past few years, we’ve seen the likes of Carl Yastrzemski, Pedro Martinez, Carlton Fisk, Bill Buckner, the Super Bowl-winning Patriots, the NBA championship Celtics, Carl the Shrimp, Jay Gatsby, Abe Vigoda, Mad Tom Jefferson and countless servicemen and women toss first pitches. Considering the hugeness of this particular game — one that starts at 3:05 in the afternoon, allowing for a full day’s worth of pomp and circumstance — we have to wonder if there’s anyone left who can still give us that winning combination of wide-eyed surprise and heart-strings tuggery.
Because I’m good like that, I have a few suggestions:
Tim Wakefield: What better way to recognize Fenway’s 100th anniversary than by celebrating a guy who’s actually pitched there for most of its 100 years. Never mind the fact that it will help us get through the inevitable Tim Wakefield withdrawal that will strike roughly around the second game of the season.
Dave Roberts: I know we’ve had Fast Dave back in practically every capacity we could since 2004’s heroics. But can we ever really get enough of him? If Fenway offered a seat next to him to watch an entire game, shit would be sold out for the next 100 years.
Curt Schilling: He’s in the spotlight again, for all the wrong reasons. But while Denton apparently has no problem with breaking Schill’s balls, I just can’t do it. The guy helped us attain what I thought I’d go through my entire excuse for a life without seeing, and put the team before his health in the process. Loud, brash, opinionated? Yup. But after he said he’d like nothing more than to make 30,000 Yankees fans shut up, he got the lifetime mulligan in my book.
Every member of the 2004 Red Sox: I’m sure Cesar Crespo and Curt Leskanic have some free time. Why not get the band back together for this monumental occasion?
Aaron Boone, Bucky Dent and some guy dressed as Thurman Munson: Just to show those Yankees that while we respect them, we’re no longer haunted by these old ghosts. Of course, after they throw the pitch, we’ll have David Ortiz chase them around the field in a monster truck.
Tim Wakefield: Can’t stress this enough. And if he throws that first pitch to Doug Mirabelli? Gold, Jerry.
The entire staff of the Jimmy Fund and any patient who wants to do it: I don’t care if it takes four hours. I’d stand and applaud every last one of them.
Roger Clemens: It would be ballsy, crazy and controversial and have fans calling for ownership’s heads. But no one would ever stop talking about it.
Eddie Money: Sure, people will be wondering why one of the ’80’s biggest pop stars — from New York no less — is throwing the first pitch. At least until Eddie busts into his hit song “Take Me Home Tonight,” cleverly re-arranged as “Kick the Yankees in the Bollocks Tonight.” It’ll get everyone in the mood while also setting the stage for the seventh inning rendition of “God Bless America” by Nu Shooz.
Tim Wakefield: Have I mentioned this guy? Because I think he’d be a good choice.
I welcome your suggestions, serious and otherwise, in the comments.