Dear Boston Red Sox:
After a Hindenburg-rific crash-and-burn last September and rumors of a clubhouse full of sordid millionaires, beer swillin’ under-achievers and anti-Teets sentiment, I’m thinking you guys could use a little positive press for the 2012 season. Sure, signing up a bunch of shiny new players always helps, but there’s a lot more that can be done to purge the taste of 2011 from our mouths. To that end, I am happy to submit the following suggestions:
We F#$k Up, Beer’s On Us: The two most common complaints you hear in the Fenway stands, after “not enough Paul Williams on the sound system,” are that the beer’s too expensive and the players are overpaid. Here’s your chance to address both of these: Whenever a player screws up big — be it a base running blunder, failure to execute a bunt, or showing up at the park dressed like Lando Calrissian — a portion of his salary should be used to buy beer for everyone in attendance at the next home game. Don’t think of it as promoting rampant alcohol consumption, but rather “prepping” the crowds for the Bobby Jenks Comeback Special.
You’re So Smart, YOU Run the Team: Armchair coaching is a favorite pastime in these parts. So why not give some eager wannabe manager the chance to realize his or her dream? Each month, pick one lucky fan (from a pre-screened pool of card-carrying Red Sox Nation club members, of course) to manage the team during one home game. Said fan will also have unlimited post-game use of the coaching staff, which puts the dream of having your vinyl siding fixed by Tim Bogar within reach of the common man (and woman).
Storytime with Daisuke Matsuzaka: Young kids bored, whining or causing a fuss in the stands, distracting everyone around them? Not after Dice-K’s dramatic reading of “The Boy Who Refused to Behave and Got Mauled by Rodan.”
The Doug Mirabelli Dancers: This one speaks for itself.
Bring Back a Former Player for a Day: If today’s players seem too “soft” at times, why not spice things up by inviting some favorite Red Sox players from the past to grab a glove and get in on the action. Youk’s groin acting up? Get Wilton Veras in there! Carl Crawford tweaks the wrist? Troy O’Leary is ready to entertain you! Hours of educational fun for youngsters who missed out on the Mark Lemke, Eric Hetzel or Ed Jurak eras. And as my Uncle Pete always said, there’s nothing wrong with your line-up that a little Butch Huskey couldn’t fix.
Spider-Man Running the Bases: Not sure exactly how this could be fit into the context of the game, but if you don’t see how Spider-Man running the bases at any given point in a Sox game is inherently cool, then I’m not sure we can be friends. Even better: a team of guys in Spider-Man costumes. Now we’re talking.
Fenway House DJ, Kevin Millar: If we learned anything from his all-too brief tenure with the team, it’s that things are simply more fun with Kevin Millar in the house. So why not carve out a little space in the centerfield bleachers, give the guy two turntables and a microphone, and let him go nuts. Trust me, every A-Rod at bat will be made better by El Bencho yelling, “Let’s see you hit one up here, asshole!”
The Kick John Lackey Square in the Nuts Booth: I don’t want to lay the struggles of the past few years at the feet of one man. Nor do I wish to condone violence as an appropriate channel for anger. But this would be just a f#$king awesome idea.