“Consider: The economy is in the shitter and getting worse each day. The house you bought in 2005 is worth half of what you owe on it. Your boss is already considering replacing you with a robot and the government is set to pull the plug on unemployment.

When it all goes down, and the food trucks stop rolling and the supermarkets have all been ravaged by urban toughs, how are you gonna feed your family? Hell, if your kids had been groomed on the Playskool Crossbow and Camouflage kit, they’d already know how to take down, skin and serve a wide range of edible critters, including wild boar, gazelle, ostrich, squirrel and, when times get tough, UPS driver.

I’m not condoning violence. But the world’s an already scary place that’s gonna get a lot scarier. Our society is ripe for either a bloody uprising or a Pittsburgh Pirates World Series victory. And when the unthinkable happens, you don’t want to be saddled with the only kids in the neighborhood who can’t knock a zombie mutant off a horse with an arrow at eighty feet.

An Xbox is great is we ever get attacked by aliens or Doctor Octopus. But if you want to imbue your kids with a little real-world sensibility, teach ‘em to handle a crossbow this Christmas. Then you can stop worrying about that noise you hear in your kitchen at 2am.

Me, I’d rather spend my holiday season worrying about how I’m gonna wrap all the presents I’ve bought. And it’s not easy wrapping carnage.”