Name, please?

George Lucas.

Any baseball experience?

None. But I work well with people and may or may not have banged Carrie Fisher back in her hot, twenty-something days, so that’s gotta count for something.

I see.

Also, I have a lot of drive and ambition, vaults full of money and, I must be honest, some time on my hands.

While we’re being honest, George, I have to tell you: The lack of solid baseball experience is a red flag to me. This is one of the world’s most storied baseball franchises and we’re coming off a particularly lousy year. So–

Well, I can change that, you know.

You can change our fortunes next season?

I can change your fortunes last season.

Er… were you just at the Cask?

Look, I’ll have my special effects guys run through last season’s game films. We’ll add some critical enhancements. Y’know, like extra runs for your guys in the top of each inning. Maybe a few more walk-offs for dramatic flair…

You’re not serious.

But I am. We could also add a few more of your guys to the 2011 All Star team, erase a few of the opponent’s fielders just to give you an edge, and basically rewrite that whole September collapse, with or without laser cannons, depending on how exotic your tastes run.


The sky’s the limit. We could even super-impose your players over the 2011 World Series films. A couple of days’ work at Skywalker Ranch and you’re the reigning champs.

Something about that doesn’t seem… right.

Just throwing it out there. Unless you don’t think that “Ben Cherington, GM of the World Champion Boston Red Sox” rolls nicely off the tongue.

Do we get x-wings? Cause those would beat the piss out of the team jet. Not to mention raise spirits since Heidi’s leaving.

Not necessarily. We could insert her into all of your 2012 games. It’d be like she never left. We can put her on the third base line, in the stands, by the dugout–

On my face? Hehhhheheheheh. [Also, please say yes.]

Anything you want, gentlemen. Of course my standard contract must include language that allows me to “enhance” the entire history of your franchise. For example, I always thought Bob Stanley needed a wookiee companion.

Tempting as it is, we just can’t go down this road. It’s one thing to toy with the most treasured films of a generation. It’s another to mess with tradition. And that’s what the Boston Red Sox are all about.

Ten words: Heidi in the Leia outfit from “Return of the Jedi.”


Sorry. I think we’ll have to look elsewhere.

Whatever. I got a nice offer from New York to bring Steinbrenner back for 2012. I may look into that.

We wish you luck.

Gonna be tough to beat that guy.

I disagree. Somewhere out there is the next great manager of the Boston Red Sox. We need someone who understands our culture and what it represents and offers the presence and foresight to get us to the promised land.

Not to mention someone who’s a little more macho! We need to go back to the good old days of tough-guy managers who shotgunned gin, ate metal and punched a guy when he stepped outta line.

I dunno. The next candidate says he’s more of a numbers guy.

Like Sabermetrics?

Not exactly.