As if the MLB playoffs weren’t exciting enough, Bud Selig’s gone and amped up the action, making a number of sweeping changes to keep asses in seats at stadiums throughout North America from April through October.
For those who might have missed it, here’s a quick update:
Two wild card teams will be added to the playoff mix; one in the AL and one in the NL.
The two wild card teams in each league will square off in a one-game playoff to determine who moves on to the ALDS.
The ALDS will be expanded by four games, two of which will take place not in either team’s park, but in a zero-gravity bunker 20 miles beneath Kansas.
The ALCS will be modified to allow each team to employ the services of a robot (an obvious nod to the now-infamous 1984 ALCS in which the Detroit Tigers admitted to using a Milt Wilcox android while the real Milt Wilcox slept off a whiskey bender).
The winner of game three of the ALCS will be determined not by the final score, but by final decision of actor John Lithgow.
During game three of the World Series, players will be fitted with prosthetic hands on the ends of two-foot metal poles, a move designed, in Selig’s words, “to help players and baseball fans better understand the tribulations of less fortunate people who have been forced to wear prosthetic hands on the ends of two-foot metal poles. And because we think it will look f$%king awesome.”
During game four of the World Series, one lucky fan, chosen during an elaborate pre-game ceremony featuring Davy Jones performing the music of The Monkees, will manage the AL team.
Game five of the World Series will see the launch of MLB’s exciting new “Change Your Point of View” promotion, during which fans will be allowed to watch the game from the field while the players play the game in the stands. (Selig has gone on record as saying this may require some last-minute “reconstruction” of the bleachers in the host ballpark.)
For game six of the World Series, an extra three runs will be awarded to the team that executes the most faithful re-enactment of the “Welcome Back Kotter” episode in which the Sweathogs try to break Barbarino of his cigarette habit.
Lastly, game seven of the World Series will be played entirely on horseback.
Though some may find these changes drastic, MLB feels they are necessary to stay connected to an audience weened on video games, high-sugar sports drinks and Adam Sandler films. Personally, we can’t wait for the 2012 post-season, and wish to give advance congratulations to next year’s world champion Seattle Mariners!