“My injury had nothing to do with a hernia and everything to do with, as team physicians classified it, ‘eating f#$kloads of ham.’”


“I coveted my neighbor’s wife. And later busted a guy’s nose for coveting mine.”


“I dabbled in witchcraft. And maybe sold a couple secrets to the Chinese army. Hey, a guy gets bored during rain delays.”


“I was here under duress. And by ‘duress’ I mean ‘the inability to refuse huge bags of money for doing basically nothing.’”


“All I can say is that sometimes, we are forced to follow the path that God has laid out for us. Take, for example, my recent purchase of every episode of ‘According to Jim’ on DVD…”


“I will confess that during critical, late-inning moments, I may have left the Park to get home before the wife and pop a couple Viagra.”


“I will confess that during critical, late-inning moments, I may have left the Park to get home before John and attempt to hide his Viagra.”


“During a road trip in Cleveland, I smuggled an ‘Eggo’ waffle from a hotel brunch so I’d have something to snack on later in the day. After a month of sleepless nights, my body wracked with guilt, I eventually called the hotel restaurant to beg forgiveness and ask what they would like for restitution. The guy on the line — Rico, I believe his name was — said to forget about it but that’s just not my style. I had 50,000 boxes of Eggos shipped to the hotel and set Rico’s kids up with a nice college fund.”


“I adopted the philosophy that there’s nothing you can do that can’t be done better without your pants on.”


“I collected fat checks from the team the whole season! Thank you, Boston Red Sox! Thank you, America!”


“I can’t speak for those other guys. But, personally, I loved the shit out of this season.”