Dude, this is no time to be stuck in the office

Today, the Red Sox play two against the Tampa Bay Rays. But if you’re a working stiff like myself, you’re gonna miss out on the the first game at 1:05pm, which features the marquee match-up of Jon “I’ve got as many wins as Lackey” Lester vs. Small Game James Shields.

Thankfully, here at Surviving Grady, we’ve never felt that employment should interfere with one’s enjoyment of a game that occurs during normal business hours. So, as a public service to you, we present our now-famous tips for soaking in the hot Sox-on-Rays action in spite of obvious professional commitments.

The “Web Seminar”: Start off your morning tactical by announcing that you’ve gotten “the call” to moderate a quick “web seminar” to assist several client contacts with “the roll out.” [You don’t need to specify exactly what it is you’re “rolling out.” The phrase “roll out” is so powerful in and of itself that any would-be naysayers will instantly be silenced and, even better, reduced to feelings of inadequacy, especially if they have nothing to roll out.] At 1:05pm put a sticky note on your door with the words “Web Seminar in Progress.” People will steer clear, enabling you to turn on he radio, remove your pants, and enjoy the game.

The “Visit from the Home Office”: Find a transient or vagabond with no substantial plans for the day (best places to look include street corners, off-track betting shops, or, if you want to go “full hobo,” abandoned railroad stations). Set him up with a decent shirt and tie and parade him around the office, explaining that “Larry from Home Office is here for the day and I’ll be taking him around.” Nobody wants to play tourguide, nor does anyone with any whit of sense want home office to get hip to the fact that they spend most of the day doing nothing, so your co-workers will avoid you like the plague. All the better for you to hit the ballpark (but not before dropping your new-found ally off at a local shelter or Strawberries Records & Tapes).

The “You Buy, I’ll Fly”: This is a good one. Tell your co-workers that you’re willing to drive to Dunkin’ Donuts to hook them up with some much-needed afternoon caffeine. They just have to pony up the cash to make up for the $25.00 in gasoline you’ll burn through. Collect their monies. Head to the local tavern. Watch several innings. Order multiple beers. Brag loudly to the guy next to you that you’ve got “a fiver” on Lester going eight. Return to the office hours later. When people ask about the coffee, become defensive, and mention how your all-bran diet has pushed you to the brink of homicide. When the police arrive, refer to each of them as “Ponch” and keep one hand over your genitals at all times.

The “I’ve Got Something Important to Mail”: If you carry a pocketbook or briefcase into the office, then you’re gonna have to carry it out with you when you try to make your break — a dead giveaway that you’re “done for the day.” Sure, you could leave your briefcase in the office all weekend, but then someone might discover that it’s nothing but an oversized tote for snacks and pornography. So here’s the workaround: take a stroll down to shipping and tell Hank that you need a box “big enough to hold a briefcase or two human torsos.” Slip your briefcase into the box, then sashay your work-shirkin’ ass right out the door, confident that anyone who sees you figures you’re just heading to the mailroom or the post office or wherever the f#@k people carrying giant boxes go.

The “Brutal Honesty”: Stand up in the middle of your 1:00 meeting and declare, “I’m sorry, but what’s going on right now at Yawkey Way is infinitely more important than anything you oafs will conjure over the next two hours.” Get up, walk out the door, head home, and enjoy the game. After all, who’s gonna bring you more pleasure over the long haul: your boss or the Remdog? You got that right, whitey.

Join us here in the comments for some game thread action. If I’m unable to jump out a window at the office and scramble to the nearest bar, I’ll be Tweeting updates when the boss isn’t looking.

Oh, and while you’re cutting out of work and all, don’t forget about our NESN/WEEI/Jimmy Fund Telethon Fundraiser which will be held August 31 at Crossroads Pub, beginning at 6:30pm. We’ll be watching the Sox take on the Yankees, quaffing a few diet sodas (ever-mindful of spontaneous employee blood testing) and raffling off some cool prizes to raise money for the fight against cancer.