Hey, thanks for yesterday, assholes. You had a 7-1 advantage on the goddam Yankees after three innings yet somehow managed to give up a dumbfounding twenty-one runs over the final six. After that shitshow, you’d better just lay down on the field the minute the first pitch is thrown. In fact, if David Ortiz wants to drive a tractor over your worthless balls, you just let the man do what he wants. This is The Tim Wakefield Show, muthas, and the guy’s been waiting what seems like fifteen months to get his 200th win. Now he’s finally back in Fenway. In front of the hometown crowd. On the heels of a magnificent series in Texas. And I don’t want to see anyone try to crap on this parade.

So that thing you did yesterday? Where you fell apart at the seams? Feel free to do that again. I strongly encourage it.