Dear Boston Red Sox,

I will be attending the game today and I would greatly appreciate it if you didn’t suck. I paid a lot of money for tickets and it was not so I could see some half-assed effort. For starters, please do not put JD Drew in the line-up. I’d rather see a cardboard cutout of Dwight Evans or Trot Nixon in right field. And at the plate, for that matter, at least then there is a chance to draw a walk.

Next is the pitching situation. Mr. Francona, if you fall asleep because someone slipped you the Bigelow decaf and leave a pitcher in to get hammered, I will personally make an unscheduled trip to the mound. Nobody wants to see that, trust me. You need to keep an eye on Wakefield, he can go from lights-out to batting-practice faster than Youk can break a sweat.

Finally, I would like to suggest a new rule for you to bring to the league. Any game that Jason Varitek gets three hits or a home run, the Red Sox should automatically win.

Any questions, give me a call or stop by my seats, I’m in section three.