Like you wouldn't want to pound a few after whipping Doctor Octopus

We all like seeing the Sox sign such high-caliber players as Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez. And we all know that luring the premium talent requires cash. Lots of it. Preferably in the easy-to-carry sacks. Therefore, if we want the Sox to continue buying up the choice free agents, we should do our part by giving them as much money as we can, through the purchasing of T-shirts, yearbooks, foam hands, DeMarlo Hale “healthy prostate” smoothies and, perhaps most importantly, beers at the game.

To that last point, as the Herald reported last week (and as I’m just catching up on now, thanks to my ridiculous travel schedule of late), the Sox are making it easier than ever to get your sauce on at Fenway this season. They’ve just unveiled a new beer dispensing robot that fills plastic cups in seconds and comes equipped with eight titanium arms to swat back and detain any Yanks fans who dare cut you in line. And even if we just made up most of that stuff, it certainly looks impressive in action:

According to the article, “Bottoms Up works its magic thanks to a thin magnetic disk in the cup bottom that flips up when the cup is placed on the system and beer flows in, and then flips back down and seals when the pour is finished. A four-cup Bottoms Up station can pour as many as 44 beers per minute.”

Something tells me a “Magnetic Discs Extracted From Your Colon” kiosk might not be a bad idea, either. But I know nothing of the mechanics of these things, since I typically smuggle my own beers into Fenway through an elaborate costume comprised of two wooden legs and a matador’s hat.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Of course, neither SG nor the Boston Red Sox condone drinking to excess at the ballgame or anywhere, for that matter. And to help you realize when you’ve reached your libation limit, we ask that you clip and save the following visual test:

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