Folks, I have to admit: I’ve been living a lie.

I just got back from a week-long sojourn to Las Vegas. And before I set foot on that sunbaked soil, I was convinced that I’d experienced fast food. That I knew fast food.

Turns out, however, I knew nothing.

I’d never been to In-N-Out Burger.

But now, I have. And it has opened my eyes to a new religion. To the point that I can safely say that until they open one of these suckers on the east coast, I will be abstaining from all forms of fast food. After scarfing down the Double Double, I just can’t go back to slumming with the Whopper or Big Mac. I also checked out Fatburger, where I somehow managed to finish a 21 ounce XXXL on a dare–more meat than some third-world denizens get in a month. But it didn’t match up; everything’s a punk compared to the Double Double.

Oh, and I also put down some coin on the Sox winning the World Series, which should earn me roughly 5 billion if it actually happens. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, good to be back. I’ve missed you like crazy. Now, let’s have at those Athletics!