Commander Fu#$kin’ Kick-Ass, you gotta listen up: I don’t want to see the Red Sox eliminated from the playoffs this weekend by the Yankees. In their house. So I need you to SOUND OFF LIKE YOU’VE GOT A PAIR, shake off this curiously shitty season and DECIMATE ANYONE WEARING PINSTRIPES.

I’ve used up all my prayers trying to convince God to give me thirty minutes alone with Jessica Biel in a swimming pool full of Fluff. So it’s on your shoulders, turkey tits.

Don’t f$%k up.