Red Sox Mystery Theatre Presents: “The Beltranian Candidate!”

by Red on July 23, 2010

::Somewhere in the bowels of Yankee Stadium::


So. Adrian Beltre. How are you?


Fine. Just fine.


Excellent. And you feel quite comfortable here amongst your friends, right? Because the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees have always been the best of friends. Correct?


That’s true.


So then… as my friend, you’d want to do me a favor, right? If you knew it would make me happy?


Well, shit. We’re friends, right?


Splendid. Now, remember when you helped us eliminate Jacoby Ellsbury and Jeremy Hermida because they were enemies of the Yankees?


I do.


Well, we’ve identified another threat to the Red Sox-Yankees alliance. His name is Josh Beckett. And we need you to take care of him.


Another “collision”?


A collision, a shivving, rat poison “accidentally” slipped in the chewing tobacco. Anythign like that and I think Josh will cease to be a threat to all this peace and goodwill our teams have cultivated.


I see.


Remember: You do nothing until you see the Queen of Diamonds. Got it?


The Queen of Diamonds. Got it.


Excellent. Your flight to Seattle is waiting. And when you arrive back amongst the Sox, you will have no recollection of this conversation whatsover.


Sweet. I like planes.


Wonderful. Now f$%k off.


Nice work. But I don’t know if I understand.


It’s brainwashing 101, Hank. We’ve been using Beltre as our sleeper agent to take out the Red Sox from the inside. So far, he’s done a magnificent job.


Good, good. But just tell me this. Am I talking to Cashman or the headwarmer?


Wouldn’t you like to know…

TO BE CONTINUED!

60 comments
Tex
Tex

That's not Adrian who I did hug  :)    but got no picture with :(

Tex
Tex

That's not Adrian who I did hug  :)    but got no picture with :(

hannah
hannah

that was my first thought too

Tex
Tex

I know The Commander will bring necessary equipment tonight

poprocksncoke
poprocksncoke

K, im out.  lets get a 9 inning win tonight, k?

poprocksncoke
poprocksncoke

K, im out.  lets get a 9 inning win tonight, k?

poprocksncoke
poprocksncoke

Bobby and Cindy are holding out for more money.

English Sox Fan
English Sox Fan

Mrs ESF was reading an article today which seemed to be criticising Brady for not being greedy.  Maybe we got the wrong end of the stick.  But I think it was a Mazz article, so it was probably just badly thought out bollocks, like everything else he writes.

English Sox Fan
English Sox Fan

Mrs ESF was reading an article today which seemed to be criticising Brady for not being greedy.  Maybe we got the wrong end of the stick.  But I think it was a Mazz article, so it was probably just badly thought out bollocks, like everything else he writes.

hayes
hayes

And in non-baseball comments; What the FUCK is going with the Brady contract??

hayes
hayes

I just heard on he was going to announce his retirement by the end of the year.  Of course, that was at 3:30 on 'eei so a lot could have changed.

hayes
hayes

I just heard on he was going to announce his retirement by the end of the year.  Of course, that was at 3:30 on 'eei so a lot could have changed.

hayes
hayes

It was as close to feeling like christmas morning as I had in a while.

hayes
hayes

No way - he'd be more fun to hang out with.

lb--bb's brother
lb--bb's brother

You just love to flash that picture, don't ya?  good thing he didn't hug ya hard -- you'd be down in Fort Meyers rehabbing with Ellsbury.

lb--bb's brother
lb--bb's brother

You just love to flash that picture, don't ya?  good thing he didn't hug ya hard -- you'd be down in Fort Meyers rehabbing with Ellsbury.

Tex
Tex

I'll give Lackey some love!!!  Big Tex indeed!!!!!! 

Tex
Tex

I'll give Lackey some love!!!  Big Tex indeed!!!!!! 

Tom Gordon
Tom Gordon

Great post again guys.  How come no love for Big Tex, aka John Lackey?  I mean, the guy hasn't exactly been clutch, but he did take a no-no pretty late last night, and even though he didn't get the win, he put them in position for it...  I expected to see Red and Denton ready to talk about how this was the win to start the Sox rolling...  Also, The Beltranian Candidate would be a tragic, but fantastic film?  Does Denzel get to play some third base?

Tom Gordon
Tom Gordon

Great post again guys.  How come no love for Big Tex, aka John Lackey?  I mean, the guy hasn't exactly been clutch, but he did take a no-no pretty late last night, and even though he didn't get the win, he put them in position for it...  I expected to see Red and Denton ready to talk about how this was the win to start the Sox rolling...  Also, The Beltranian Candidate would be a tragic, but fantastic film?  Does Denzel get to play some third base?

Tex
Tex

My Beltre is NOT a traitor or sleeper cell!!!!!!

NOT NOT NOT

NOT funny

ok maybe alittle 8-)

Tex
Tex

My Beltre is NOT a traitor or sleeper cell!!!!!!

NOT NOT NOT

NOT funny

ok maybe alittle 8-)

DeathOpie
DeathOpie

All we need is one laser show to kick this team in the arse.

English Sox Fan
English Sox Fan

From Extra Bases: "
Wearing only sneakers, Dustin Pedroia just played catch on the field with Tim Bogar for a few minutes. Now he's taking grounders on the grass.
Won't be long now."

He should be careful - he might get arrested for indecent exposure.

English Sox Fan
English Sox Fan

From Extra Bases: "
Wearing only sneakers, Dustin Pedroia just played catch on the field with Tim Bogar for a few minutes. Now he's taking grounders on the grass.
Won't be long now."

He should be careful - he might get arrested for indecent exposure.

jojo
jojo

it's Peter Abraham who wrote for a yankee blog before he came to the Globe.

lb--bb's brother
lb--bb's brother

Hope so -- othewise we should call him a douche and let him write for the NY Post.

The writer's probably a BU graduate who grew up on Long Island -- the kind of asshole who wears an MFY hat when no one's looking...

Garce's Nutritionist
Garce's Nutritionist

I love the end because the entire I was reading it, I was wondering if it was Cashman or the headwarmer talking.

Stacy
Stacy

PU-Lease.  Now if you said Demon was in on it, I'd bite.  But Bellhorn is a bible thumper.  And he only went to the MFYs because the Sox hung him out to dry.

:P

Stacy
Stacy

PU-Lease.  Now if you said Demon was in on it, I'd bite.  But Bellhorn is a bible thumper.  And he only went to the MFYs because the Sox hung him out to dry.

:P

Rich in the garage
Rich in the garage

I think that article is supposed to be slightly tongue in cheek and a poke at the ESPN trade scenarios that are based in absolute BULLSHIT. 

Rich in the garage
Rich in the garage

I think that article is supposed to be slightly tongue in cheek and a poke at the ESPN trade scenarios that are based in absolute BULLSHIT. 

Brain
Brain

I'll smoke what he's smoking.

poprocksncoke
poprocksncoke

Yeah, just read that.  Ortiz, Iglesias and Kalish for Chamberlain and Montero?  Uh how bout no!

poprocksncoke
poprocksncoke

Yeah, just read that.  Ortiz, Iglesias and Kalish for Chamberlain and Montero?  Uh how bout no!

Stacy
Stacy

That definitely explains why Tex and I weren't hurt when he hugged us.  ;)

Stacy
Stacy

That definitely explains why Tex and I weren't hurt when he hugged us.  ;)

Rich in the garage
Rich in the garage

Bellhorn is in on the deal. Heard he's an avid cribbage player. Remember, he became a Yankee. 

Rich in the garage
Rich in the garage

Bellhorn is in on the deal. Heard he's an avid cribbage player. Remember, he became a Yankee. 

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