Coupla years ago, Dunkin’ Donuts introduced the lemonade Coolatta. Thing was like liquid crack for me, the perfect balance of sweet and sour, and way, waaaaay better than anything I ever picked up at Del’s.
I was on a two- to three-a-day habit, and absolutely, positively needed to have one in my hand for the drive into the office, the drive back home from the office, and every waking moment I had to spend with all of the people inside the office. The fact that I could also add a couple shots of vodka to the mix whenever my mood needed elevating was just a bonus. Because nothing says “happy f#$king summer” to me like being slumped at my desk in a lovely, murky haze, that bitter taste of lemon and booze still on my tongue.
I’m certain that my addiction single-handedly put several DD franchisees’ kids through college, and I came dangerously close to bankrupting myself in furious pursuit of the next fix.
Then, one summer, without warning, without explanation, they were gone. DD stopped making the lemonade Coolattas, reducing my options to orange or strawberry, both of which taste like getting punched in the nuts.
I wrote letters. I made calls. I visited numerous franchises, asking why in the f$%k they’d chloroform such a bloody brilliant product. No one knew. No one cared to look into it. And I guess I don’t blame them. After all, I wasn’t wearing pants while conducting most of this research.
Now, as if to tease me, DD has launched about a dozen new Coolatta flavors for summer 2010. There’s raspberry. There’s watermelon. There’s one that’s kinda blue-ish. No sign of the lemonade. But there is, god help us, a special “Wally the Green Monster” Coolatta which, the ads tell us, has a flavor “as big as Wally himself.”
I don’t know what sort of focus group would nix a lemonade Coolatta but give thumbs up to one that’s electric green and possibly furry. But those folks clearly represent a world I want no part of. And I’m not just gonna sit around and wait for them to rub Jerry Remy’s Moustache Mocha in my face, either.
So consider this a warning to both DD and Wally: Just stay the f#$k out of my way for the rest of the year. Unless you want to get in touch about how you can use this blog to help re-launch the lemonade Coolatta. Then, like, we can talk and shit.