For every person in the world, there must be a polar opposite. Why? How the f%&k should I know? Save your questions for Dennis Quaid and allow us to introduce… Tim Wakefield and the Anti-Tim Wakefield!

Hi. I’m Tim Wakefield.

F#$k you. I am the Anti-Tim Wakefield. Meaning I represent Wakefield’s darker side, and embrace that which he abhors! Meaning I am rocking and rolling and raging against the machine whilst he makes charity appearances and helps oldsters cross streets.

Basically, there’s nothing really special I can say about myself. I do my job, and I appreciate the fans’ support.

Also, thanks for booing me back in ’99 when I hit that bad stretch, people. If I could have stabbed each of you in the balls with barbecue tongs, I would have done so.

I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to perform every night in the world’s most beloved ballpark.

I’ve done my research on this old shoe of a stadium. Highly f#$king flammable. Remember that next time you want to boo me.

It’s especially been an honor to meet all the young fans. I remember what it was like to meet my heroes and get an autograph, so I consider it my responsibility to give something back.

See those grandstands? I bumped into a couple eight year old kids over there before a game. Gave ‘em some smokes. Maybe they took ‘em home and lit ‘em up and maybe they didn’t, but it’s their f#%king parents’ job to monitor that shit. Also, parents, if your teenage daughter’s gonna insist on wearing those tight-ass shorts to the game, understand that she’s gonna get her ass squeezed tighter than Jim Joyce’s strike zone. By a guy named me.

There’s also a special place in my heart for Johnny Pesky. Some people call me the heart and soul of the Red Sox. But in truth, it’s all Johnny. It’s like someone built a man out of pure love. He’s everybody’s grandpa in the clubhouse.

Once, I caught that old fool snoring away on the sofa. Damn right I placed my nuts on his forehead and took a picture. They invented the internet for that shit!

I also consider my work with The Jimmy Fund to be the most important stuff I’ve done in my life.

You know who needs our support? Strippers. They’re all out there trying to make ends meet and I do my part to keep their garters stuffed. Occasionally, I’ll even take one on as a “special interest case,” if you catch me. And if you think she’s not gettin’ a little something I call “the high flutter,” well, then you just don’t know Big Tim.

I’m Tim Wakefield, and I approve this message.

I’m the Anti-Tim Wakefield. And you can suck it.