If you can't get laid carrying a World Series trophy, you can't get laid.

If there’s one thing the 2004 postseason taught me, it is that SEEING DAVID ORTIZ SMASH MAMMOTH HOME RUNS MAKES ME HAPPY.

Therefore, I was left ecstatic by last night’s game against the Tigers, in which The Large Father launched two achingly beautiful, majestic round-trippers.

The Elf got in on the laser show as well with a two-run homer of his own. Which is freakin’ spectacular. But watching Ortiz dole out the lumber reminded me of the magical things that happen when he turns it on.

And so, opposing pitchers, I ask that you heed my words: If Papi has, in fact, turned it on, watch the f$%k out.