Look, humans, I hate to break it to you. But your 2010 Boston Red Sox are a .500 team.

Simple as that.

There will be no “summer surge,” no “twenty game win streak” and certainly no “power-f$%king the competition into submission.” Instead, you’ll have a frustrating June, July and August in which your team wins a couple, then loses a couple, and slowly finds itself buried in the AL East.

Let these recent games against the tribe from Kansas City serve as testament to this. Why, I could gather up nine humans from our cornfields and beat the Royals. But your Red Sox cannot, despite spending the last week whipping two arguably superior teams.

You’ve had a string of good years. Certainly more than any of you stinking, dirty animals deserves. But this isn’t going to be one of them. So sit back, enjoy the games, keep your beverages chilled appropriately. But don’t expect to be hoisting a World Series trophy come October. The Lawgiver and the Sacred Scrolls have decreed it as such!

Also, this beast called “Posada.” What a giant f$%king douche.