The reason for my miserable, Watney-free existence has finally been revealed. Turns out the future Mrs. Red has been out with a concussion.

Watney said she’s under doctor’s orders to rest and not work.

Watney said the concussion has left her feeling “foggy” and with a headache, but she’s on the mend. She said she hopes to get the OK to return to work soon because she’s going “stir crazy” in her apartment.

When asked if it was a “Three Stooges” or athletic accident, Watney said “probably more” Three Stooges.

She didn’t, however, say exactly how she got the concussion.

Now, see, I almost wish she’d just let us know what happened, even if it’s just making something up for the public consumption. Because not telling us is only gonna set my mind reeling down the path of potentially dangerous sex acts involving skateboards, Crisco, tuning forks, lemon-flavored thongs and dynamite.

But I hope she’s better — and back on the job — as soon as possible. Yeah.