You wanted to see us, Sarge?

You’re damn right I wanted to see you. What’s this bullshit I hear about you guys handing out hot turkey sandwiches to those young toughs on Yancy Street?

Aw, it’s cold out there, Sarge. We just thought we could help build good relations with those kids if we brought ’em a hot meal every once in a while.

In my glorious days of misspent youth, turkey subs helped get my life on the right track. Sue me if I want to give a little something back.

I don’t like it. Makes us look soft. I want a tougher face on our squad down on Yancy. Effective today, you guys are transferred.

Transferred? Sarge, we’ve been making some serious inroads throughout that community. We know people, they like us. The kids love Kevin!

Many of them think of me as a hairier RoboCop, which I’m fine with if it keeps them from getting into guns or, worse, becoming “Phish” fans.

Well, I think it’s time for new blood. Meet your replacements: Officers Vic and Beckett.

Greetings. We’re the new guys.


What the fudge? These guys are supposed to be tougher than us? They look like goofy ballplayers in badly-Photoshopped cop hats.

It’s not just about the look, kids. It’s about the name. “Vic and Beckett.” That’s gold. That’s an action flick.

Let me put it another way, baldy. If you’ve got five hundred kilos of cocaine hidden in your sofa, who are you worried about knocking down your door? “Mike and Kevin” or “Vic and Beckett”?

Well, personally, I wouldn’t knock down someone’s door. I would use a series of strategic knocking patterns to make them think I was, for example, the milkman, perhaps, and gain entry that way.

Regardless, a tough name goes a long way in that neighborhood.

Who says “Mike” isn’t a tough name? That was the name of the guy from that show, I think, and also, let’s not forget, the name of the patriarch from The Brady Bunch, which, as I think about it, might not be such a great example but he held stern authority over those kids, even if he did enjoy the occasional “croissant.”

Aaaaaand we’ll see you guys bright and early tomorrow morning on your new beat. Information is in your lockers.

Yeah, but–

Come on, partner. You and I might not have been blessed with the world’s toughest names. But we know what’s right, and we know the value of the work we do. Let’s just focus our energies where they belong.

You’re right, Mike. You’re right.

Well, now that they’re gone, I reckon it’s time to assert ourselves as the resident tough guys in this precinct. Looking at the roster, turns out there’s a “Jim” and a “Pete” and a “Felix” and a “Larry” and a “Freddie.” Nothing that comes within a Texas mile of outclassing us, buddy.


Excuse me. I just got transferred to this precinct. Can you tell me where the squad room is?

Sure thing. Let me guess… is it “Sam”? “Billy”? “Philip”?

Er, no. It’s officer Bierd. But you can call me… Randor.