We love kid’s books. We love the Red Sox. But that doesn’t mean that these two great tastes will taste great together. Submitted for your approval, a list of titles of proposed Sox-themed children’s books that didn’t quite make it to a bookshelf near you.

“Julio Lugo: Five Tool Playa”

“Youk’s Jockstrap Attacks!”

“Hop on Pop! And Don’t Be Afraid To Wear Your Steel-Toes, Because You Know That Old Bastard’s a Yankees Fan”

“Terry Francona and the Magical Yet Terribly Invasive Medical Procedure”

“Dustin Pedroia: Whiskey Drinkin’ Paperboy”

“DeMarlo Hale Rides a Bike, Short-Changes a Hooker”

“Cloudy With a Chance of Bambi Going Down in a Hail of Buckshot: A Kid’s Hunting Primer by Mike Timlin”

“Tim Wakefield, Sean Casey, Bill Mueller and the Legion of Super Nice Guys vs. Hitler, Satan and Eddie Van Halen”

“Can’t Tie My Testes Down: The Adrian Beltre Songbook”

“Carl Everett’s Book About Dinosaurs and Other Things White People Made Up”

“Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Milkman, Postman, Electrician, and Several Other Folks Who Recently Pissed Off Josh Beckett”

“Oil Can Boyd, Would You Please Return Your Adult-Themed Videos Now!”

“Boof and Woof: A Pitcher, His Dog, and their Questionable Living Arrangement”

“Green Eggs and Ham and Finnish Porn and Whiskey and Three Unregistered Handguns and Other Things Found in Jonathan Papelbon’s Locker”

“Are You There, God? It’s Me, Leskanic.”

“Show Us On The Doll Where Julian Tavarez Touched You”

Did we miss any? Put ’em in the comments.

EDIT: Not that we don’t mourn for JD Salinger, but I pushed this post back to the front to keep the witty mood alive.