Gentlemen, with Alex Gonzalez shipping up north, we find ourselves without a shortstop for the 2010 season. Thankfully, Dustin has volunteered to fill in this critical position.

It’s the least I can do.

But, of course, moving Dustin to short would leave a gap at second. So we’ve prepared a number of contingency plans, should Dustin change his mind or, God forbid, come up lame in spring training.


These contingency plans include having Mike Lowell, who recently said he’s open to playing first base, cover first and shortstop simultaneously with the help of a nuclear-powered jetpack that a couple of whiz kids at MIT cooked up.

I’ve tried it out and I’ve got to say I’m excited.

Theo, I–

Next, we’ve got DeMarlo working on constructing an invisible wall that would be placed between second and third base and actually negate the need for any kind of shortstop at all. How’s that invisible wall coming, Demarlo?

I, uh. I lost some of the bricks, what with them being invisible and all. But I should have it ready to go by, say, April.

You know, I can play shortstop. And–

Next, we’ve secured a broad range of cost-effective talent to step in and play short if our situation becomes dire down the stretch. This talent includes actor Sorrell Booke, who many of you may remember as “Boss Hog” in the “Dukes of Hazard.”

I don’t own a glove. But my thespian skills are such that I can will the opponent into believing I am wearing one.

I have like six gloves. F@#king awesome gloves. And I can–

Also, Eliza Dushku, who once played shortstop for an MTV Rock and Jock game…

I’ll do what needs to be done to help the team.

Doctor Doom…

Defilers and Yankees fans will be vaporized upon my command. Also, I’ll need to talk to Emperor Selig about a “cloak variance” for my uniform.

The Pedroia Puppet…


Pete the Bird…



A groundbreaking idea we’re really excited about which would involve reuniting the team of Gil Gerard and Erin Gray from “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” to play short…

Hi, folks.

And, of course, Mark Bellhorn.

I’ve got some time on my hands.

So with all these ideas in the hopper, there’s really no need to fret about who’ll be playing shortstop for the Red Sox in 2010. The question is really how do we decide which among these fantastic ideas is the way to go! This will be difficult work, people.

Are you kidding me? I mean… did you ever stop to think that the answer might be right under your noses? Can you at least have the courtesy to consider it?

You’re right, Jed. That’s my bad.

Thank you.

DeMarlo, you wanna play short?

Depends. Can I be paid in ham?