Gentlemen, with Alex Gonzalez shipping up north, we find ourselves without a shortstop for the 2010 season. Thankfully, Dustin has volunteered to fill in this critical position.
It’s the least I can do.
These contingency plans include having Mike Lowell, who recently said he’s open to playing first base, cover first and shortstop simultaneously with the help of a nuclear-powered jetpack that a couple of whiz kids at MIT cooked up.
I’ve tried it out and I’ve got to say I’m excited.
Next, we’ve got DeMarlo working on constructing an invisible wall that would be placed between second and third base and actually negate the need for any kind of shortstop at all. How’s that invisible wall coming, Demarlo?
Next, we’ve secured a broad range of cost-effective talent to step in and play short if our situation becomes dire down the stretch. This talent includes actor Sorrell Booke, who many of you may remember as “Boss Hog” in the “Dukes of Hazard.”
I don’t own a glove. But my thespian skills are such that I can will the opponent into believing I am wearing one.
I’ll do what needs to be done to help the team.
Defilers and Yankees fans will be vaporized upon my command. Also, I’ll need to talk to Emperor Selig about a “cloak variance” for my uniform.
I’ve got some time on my hands.
So with all these ideas in the hopper, there’s really no need to fret about who’ll be playing shortstop for the Red Sox in 2010. The question is really how do we decide which among these fantastic ideas is the way to go! This will be difficult work, people.