November 2009

Belated congrats to future ex-Red Sox Jason Bay for winning his first Silver Slugger award. Congrats, also, to The Great Untanned’s agent, who will no doubt be able to spin this into a couple more zeros. Or a boat.

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Congratulations to Clay Buchholz for pulling off the most mismatched marriage since Salman Rushdie scored Padma Lakshmi. Clay and “Deal Or No Deal” briefcase opener Lindsay Clubine (right) will tie the knot in California later today. The event will inspire millions of not-so-good-looking young boys across the nation to go out in their backyard and [...]

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How does this happen and not cause national outrage? Derek Jeter winning the AL Gold Glove at shortstop should have been welcomed with anger and vitriol usually reserved for mass murderers and Smashmouth reunion tours. Instead, most people wrinkled their noses like the guy in the next cube farted, and moved on. It’s as if [...]

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My favorite Hideki Matsui story is from the 2004 ALCS. The guy had been killing us games one through four, going 11-for-20 and knocking in 11 runs. Godzilla was stomping all over my dreams, making 2003 look like a good time at Make-Out Lodge by comparison. Then, in game five, Pedro said, “F#$k this noise” [...]

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I have nothing but respect for the man called Varitek, especially since he may be privvy to what Heidi Watney’s arse looks like sans pants. But that photo above of Tek with bat in hand inspires nothing but pure horror in me. Because there was no one who sunk our hearts when he stepped to [...]

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To all who have served or are currently serving.

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Bow your heads! This tribunal is in session! Thank you, General Aldo. We have a lot to cover today. First things first, this human. The one called Wakefield. We found him loitering in our crops, Doctor! Is this true, human? I was having a catch. We lost the ball in the corn, I went looking [...]

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When I heard the Sox had declined Alex Gonzalez’ option for 2010, I’ll admit to being a little surprised. I figgered we’d do what we needed to do to keep the guy around another year, then let him slowly fade into the sunlight next autumn, like David Banner at the end of every episode of [...]

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Today is Jerry Remy’s birthday. Accordingly, we will don our celebratory Remy masks, drink only the finest of malt liquors, re-read our copies of the Dawg’s “Watching Baseball,” and sit alongside a lifesize cardboard cutout of Orsillo. Headphones, as always, are optional. Also, happy birthday, Mom.

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