Please, return the real A-Rod to the Yankees.

We understand you need to do your alien experiments on all sorts of humans, but we really need A-Rod back. Without getting into the whole history of the Red Sox – Yankees rivalry, just know there is a real sense of urgency and this has to happen immediately. Like today

In his past four seasons with the Yankees, the Rod batted .244 with four homeruns and nine RBI in 24 games. He also K’s 22 times. In seven games this October, your alien replacement is batting .407 with five homeruns and 11 RBI and has only struck out four times.

As Red Sox fans, we can’t really deal with this. We need the sucky A-Rod back in uniform – stat. Feel free to do a few extra anal probes before you get him back to us, and our invitation to take Julio Lugo is always open.

If you won’t do it for us, do it for yourselves. As smart as you guys are with your giant heads and sweet UFO’s, you must know your cover will be blown by this little stunt if you don’t get him back. Everybody knows the real A-Rod can’t do the things your droid is doing. And didn’t you feel a little dirty putting lip gloss on one of your highly intelligent beings anyway?

Thank you.