Honestly, Mazz, I know you need to sell papers and whatnot, so you need to be “controversial” and say things like “Hey, let’s all root for the Yankees ’cause it’ll get the Sox’ front office to spend money.”

But even though I know you’re speaking as a guy who’s gotta move papers and not as a guy who lives and dies Red Sox, I gotta say, with all due respect, that you are out of your tits.

Look, I’ll make this clear as I possibly can. I would rather be shrunk down to microscopic size and injected into Oprah Winfrey’s asshole than root for the Yankees. I don’t care if Theo and the crew have made a secret pact to sign Roy Halladay, Prince Fielder, Adrian Gonzalez, Fred Lynn, Carlton Fisk and Robot Jimmy Piersall in the event of a Yankees World Series victory; I will not, cannot and would never, ever dream of wishing anything but disgrace, torment and empty hands for those ball-washing bastards.

Further, any Red Sox fan who says he or she would root for New York is an alien. Pure and simple.

EDIT: Okay, having thought about this a bit, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only scenario in which I’d root for the Yankees would be if they were taking on childhood cancer. In that case, yeah, I’d want them to win. Any other circumstances, they can suck it.