Look, I’m as anxious as anyone to clinch the wild card, put the big guns to bed, and roll Double-A style for the remainder of the regular season. So, please, let’s just end it. Tonight. And I know that means relying on the Angels to take out the Rangers, but so be it. I’m calling on the twin mojo of Amalie Benjamin and Heidi Watney — two women who have been the chocolate Oreo cookies to my Double Stuff in many a fevered dream — to bring down the hammer, help us collect the win, and send Texas to their final rest.

Bring on the Coors box hats and Dropkick Murphys and champagne-stung eyes. I wanna close this chapter and get ready for the next.

Toronto, yer goin’ down. End of story.