Somebody, anybody, give me one good reason this guy is in the line-up? If I were at the game last night I would have charged onto the field and ripped the “C” off his chest after he singlef@*kinghandedly blew the game. Let’s break this down into the simplest of concepts with a little help from Nuke LaLoosh:

A good friend of mine used to say, “This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball.

You hit the ball: The days when Jason Varitek could do anything productive with a bat in his hand other than use it to scratch those hard-to-reach spots on his back are long gone. And that fact makes it mind-boggling to see him step to the plate with two outs and a runner on in the seventh and Youk on the bench. Needless to say, Tek grounded out to first to end the inning. The guy hasn’t cracked .250 since 2005 and is batting an anemic .212 this year. Safe to say he isn’t in the line-up for his hitting prowess.

You throw the ball: Tek has allowed 100 stolen bases this season, while throwing out just 15 runners. That’s 13% for those of you keeping score at home. Granted, a lot of those bases were stolen off the pitchers, but when Tom Arnold can steal off you, there’s a problem. Cross “throwing” off the list of potential reasons to pencil Tek in on the line-up card.

You catch the ball: Now think about what a catcher does: he freakin’ catches! He holds this huge, padded leather mitt out, and a pitcher throws the ball right at it. So last night when Beckett struck Figgins for the third out of the seventh but Tek couldn’t handle the pitch…well that just about wrapped things up for the Cap’n. The tank is empty, friends.

Red called Wednesday’s win the greatest game of the season, I’m calling last night the worst. A win would have cut the deficit to an even six games and set up a possible division-deciding clash in the Bronx next weekend. A win would have solidified Beckett as officially resuming the role of Commander Kickass. A win would have sent the Angels home knowing they can’t beat the Red Sox. And one man, in the game only for nostalgic reasons, let that win slip away.

Tito, please, no more. Put aside the mug of Bigelow and think about what you’re doing. Yes, Tek’s been a great soldier, but his time has passed. Don’t put us through any more meaningful games with him on the field. My liver can’t take it.