There aren’t many sure things on this 2009 team — at least not a lot of positive sure things. But one of them is Commander Kick Ass. He’s been dealing like a goddam Chinese missile peddler for months, as if trying to erase even the slightest memory of that slow emergence from the gate back in April. Every start brings the same sense of ecstasy and bewilderment that used to surround Pedro Martinez’s outings, and, likewise, the intensity level has been off the charts. The guy’s locked in and focused like you read about–so good, you can practically put your money down that he’ll stop our two game skid tonight in Toronto. He is the Anti-Penny, if you will, and he is taking no prisoners.

Thing is, we need him to be that good. Because on most nights, just two or three or–god help us–four runs could prove an insurmountable deficit. On our staff, in 2009, Beckett is pretty much the only guy capable of shutting down the other team’s offense. And god bless him for that.

If ever his teammates needed inspiration to hike up their trousers and try to make it to the postseason, it is the prospect of just how madly Beckett’s gonna kick things up once October rolls around. The way he’s dealing, the boys have to do everything in their power to ensure that Beckett’s 2009 “Me Mash You” tour extends into the playoffs. I don’t want this stuff ending with some meaningless afternoon game in the Bronx. I want Commander Kick Ass kicking ass against a backdrop of red, white and blue bunting, hot chicks in warm coats and a swirl of dead leaves and dry batter’s bones in the corners of Fenway Park.

Oh, and speaking of Beckett and Pedro, I keep looking at those photos from Busted Coverage’s bit on Bronson Arroyo’s totally rockin’ boat parties from last May. And I can’t stop wondering if the dude in the rear left corner of this photo is Commander Kick Ass himself. Seeing as how the boat is stocked with babes, brewskis and half-crazed pitchers, it seems he’d fit right in.

It all just seems to beg for some Lonely Island, don’t it? NSFW!