We are through the looking glass, people. Black is white and white is black. Julio Lugo’s batting average is almost 100 points higher than Big Papi’s. The Cap’n has the team’s second-highest home run total. And Daisuke Matsuzaka, the cornerstone upon which the Sox’ plans for global conquest were built, hasn’t won a single game one-third of the way through the season.

Yet, for all this bullshyte, we’re still just one, skinny game out of first place.

That’s why I never let my confidence fall, I tell ‘em, as I tug on my lapels, Mr. Howell-style. That’s why I stick it out until the final out of each game, or until my blood alcohol content lulls me to slumber. That’s why I stand on this soapbox before you today and insist that tonight, tonight, we will see the return of Vintage Matsuzaka, the guy who won 18 games for us in 2007 and led his countrymen to the WBC title earlier this year.

Would I lie to you?