Everybody Here Comes from Somewhere That They Would Just As Soon Forget and Disguise

Still reeling from jet lag and busy blocking the recent west coast swing from my mind. I snap my fingers, it doesn’t exist, just like my short-lived career in animal husbandry or the time me and Tom Caron woke up pantsless in Dubai. Instead, I’m thinking about the Mariners giveaway I referenced in the last post–that DVD collection of the greatest Mariners commercials ever. What a great idea, and certainly something the Red Sox should consider. But only, of course, if it includes what I consider to be some of the greatest Sox commercials ever:

That Curt Schilling truck commercial in which he says he’s coming to town to break the curse. The first time I saw it, I thought it was simply cool. Looking back, it’s stirring and amazingly prescient.

Any of those old WSBK-TV 38 spots. Cheesy and sometimes silly, they looked like something a grade-schooler would cook up on his computer. But they conjure precious memories in me. I remember a classic from the late ‘70s/early ‘80s in which the Fenway organist complained about some of the things he hears the crowd saying about his beloved players, at which point a few of them (can’t even pretend to remember who they were) joined him to belt out “Feelings.” This is the best example I could dig up on YouTube—not the best, but still quite worthy:

The “lost” Manny ESPN commercial. I still love Manny. And I’ve loved this spot since the first time I saw it. There. I said it.

The Ortiz/Posada ESPN commercial. The fact that the guy in the Wally costume didn’t get some sort of Emmy recognition is an outrage on par with GoodFellas losing Best Picture to Dances With Wolves.

Roger Clemens lip-synching for Zest. I was never quite sure which memory from 1986 has caused me more emotional distress: The Mets celebrating their World Series victory while Wade Boggs cried in the Sox dugout, or a shirtless Roger Clemens belting out the “Zest” soap jingle. But I think this might get the edge:

Dan Duquette and Pedro Martinez’s anti-smoking ad: The Citizen Kane of Red Sox commercials. This one featured Pedro chastising a young boy for carrying a pack of smokes (“What is this? You think these make you cool?”), while a khaki-ed and blazer-ed Duquette nodded approvingly from the bench (before delivering the killer line, “Now that’s a winning pitch,” as the kid chucked the cigs in the trash can.) Fantastically surreal and, sadly, lost to me. If anyone has a copy, I’ll gladly pay top dollar just to see it again.

Yours go in the comments. Namaste.