Headwarmer: My God. How long have I been in there?
Cashman: Three weeks or so.
Headwarmer: Well it’s good to be back. Look, Boob, I’m gonna need a pack of smokes, some good whiskey, and a couple professional girls who are into wool showers. Can you make it happen?
Headwarmer: First, though, give me the update. How many games up are we? Seven? Thirty-two?
Headwarmer: One freakin’ half game?
Cashman: Actually, we’re a half game back.
Headwarmer: ::spits up whiskey::
Cashman: But we predict that after the Sox’ weekend in Toronto, we’ll be up by at least two. No way the Jays are gonna stay on a nine-game losing streak.
Headwarmer: You realize if you don’t win the East, the Steinbrenner boys will be making s’mores with your worthless testicles?
Cashman: I… do.
Headwarmer: Alright then. Have you at least put our master plans into action?
Headwarmer: ::takes drag of cigarette:: Excellent. I want status. How’s “Operation Neutralize Papi” going?
Cashman: Quite well. The real David Ortiz has been kidnapped, drugged, locked in a warehouse in lower Manhattan, and replaced on the team by actor Yaphet Kotto, who believes he’s acting in a hidden camera reality series about a struggling ballplayer.
Headwarmer: No snags?
Cashman: Occasionally, Mr. Kotto is seen waving into the crotch of that Wally mascot, which is where he thinks the hidden camera is located. Other than that, all is good. One home run and a sub-.200 average.
Headwarmer: Spectacular. And “The Matsuzaka Initiative”?
Cashman: Your fake letter from Prime Minister Akihito to Bud Selig, personally requesting that Daisuke be allowed to represent Japan in the WBC because, and I quote, “it would help international relations and sell shitloads of Dice-K foam hands,” was quite a hit.
Headwarmer: As I suspected.
Cashman: End result: One WBC title, zero wins and three loses for the Sox, and an 8.82 ERA.
Headwarmer: Excellent. And, lastly, “Project Our First Baseman is Better Than Your First Baseman”?
Cashman: Er, still working out the details on that one.
Headwarmer: Have you tried everything? Tainting his pork chops? Lightly dusting his jock with Kool Aid and Chili powder? Honey mustard in his high colonic?
Cashman: We did. He almost seemed to… enjoy them. Turns out Youkilis is far more resilient than we gave him credit for.
Headwarmer: Just how “resilient”?
Cashman: Flirting with .400, actually.
Headwarmer: While that 200 million dollar twitbag you had to have is barely scraping .275? Unacceptable.
Cashman: Well, I–
Headwarmer: That bearded oaf has been a thorn in our side long enough. Time to up the ante.
Cashman: You don’t mean?
Headwarmer: Fetch the Hazel-Bot.
To Be Continued.