Hello, NESN peeps. Red here, again. Look, I know I’ve been bothering you lately with my suggestions and endless show pitches (and I’ll admit, Chuck Rainey: Naked Detective might have sounded better on paper), but this time, my aim is true. See, last night we had another one of those rain delays and you guys opted to show Monday afternoon’s game in its place. Fair enough, says I. A lot of folks were work-bound and couldn’t see the original broadcast. Plus, it’s always good to watch an old fashioned Sox-inflicted beatdown on the eve of a Yankees series.
But guys and girls, I think you’re missing a tremendous opportunity.
I mean, you’ve got a park full of patient and perhaps overly-optimistic patrons. And a viewing audience lightly tapping its feet, waiting for some action. And the ultimate secret weapons in Remy, DO and Miss Heidi Watney–three people whose company most of us enjoy more than that of our own families. Don’t hide ‘em behind a taped game. Set those buggers loose!
Ever wonder what goes on behind the scenes at the hot dog stand? Neither do I, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to see DO down there with a camera guy to figger it out. Or Remy working the beer counter, barking at the patrons and asking for IDs. Or Heidi Watney getting hickie removal tips from the college chicks in the bleachers. I know security could be a logistical nightmare, but here’s the thing: get one of those bright MIT kids to create a sort of robotic suit that Remy could don to protect him from the unwashed masses, yet allow him full mobility to work his way through the crowds, pulling “man on the street” type interviews and generally messing with the program. Yes, the sight of an eight-foot Remy robot would immediately cause all who gazed upon it to die of awesome. But I think it’s worth the risk.
I’ve got a lot of other suggestions, too, including the Doug Mirabelli Breast Exam Booth and a little something I call “Don’t F@#k With Carlton Fisk’s Nachos” (which isn’t as dirty as it sounds, although we may have to clear a few things with the Mexican government before we go live). But I can’t give away all the details. Give me a call. Let’s take a meeting. Examine our options. And if Heidi wants to show up, wearing some ridiculously tight jeans an a Jaeger-shot dispensing brassiere, well, that’s her business.