Greetings. It is I, that albino astrophysicist dude whose commercials you thrilled to during the 2008 postseason telecasts. I am here to advise you of two things: First, a seven-hundred and fifty mile-long asteroid is on trajectory to smash into our planet in roughly thirty-seven months, so haggling over whether or not to take that 401K loan is really just a waste of time. Second, A.J. Burnett is a massive tool. Oh, and he’s starting tonight against a Sox line-up featuring such boy-bandish names as Nick Green and Angel Chavez.

Thank you, and good night.