This has been a magical year for you, Dustin.


MVP. Gold Glove. Silver Slugger. Trails of satisfied women as far as the eye can see.


We feel it necessary to recognize the full scope of your awesome the only way we know how. With buckets of cash.

I enjoy cash. So this is not only co-incidental, it is f#$king smashing.

How does six years at 40.5 million sound?

Like sweet, sweet music.

Then it’s done. But that’s not all. There are several additional perks that will be yours.

This is great news, honestly, because I enjoy perks.

For example, as a well-heeled and handsomely paid superstar, you will have access to 24-hour security.


Also, the Pedroia Puppet has been placed on the payroll to herald your various public appearances and fill in for you when you’re too hungover busy to attend.

Consider me the Silver Surfer to your Galactus.

Also, groupies. If you are going to be paid like a rock star it is important that you roll like one.

We suck at math but love whiskey and pillow fights.

Lastly, NESN has pledged to dedicate 75 percent of its airtime to covering your every move

I’ll be like your extremely hot, blonde shadow. With a microphone.

And I’ll be showering with you. For research purposes, of course…

This is remarkable stuff, Theo. But…

But what?

One thing seems to be missing. Remember that machine we talked about?

The Orgasmatron 6000? Tavarez took it with him.

No, the other machine.

Oh yeah. I did manage to find one for you. It’s out back.


::jogs around back::

At last. ::drops in quarter::

Zoltar will grant your wish.

I want to be big!


::The next day::

Dude. Wake up. The Spanish Channel’s doing the booty contest again.


What the? Who are you?

It’s me. Dustin!

But. But you’re…

Big? I know. Rich… and big.

But how—

Screw the details. Now we can do everything we dreamed of. That two-man basketball team we were gonna form? Easy peasy. And who will stop our chicken fight mojo at the public pool?

I… guess so.

This is gonna be great. So how tall do I look? Six two? Six three?

About five eleven, honestly.