A.J. Burnett, who looks like he could play Bronson Arroyo’s older, slightly unhinged brother in a made-for-cable movie, is going to the Yankees. And the NY Daily News tells us that Handsome Johnny Damon, one of the essential cogs in the Yankees Goodwill and Marketing Machine, played a key role in luring him.

“Johnny was calling him regularly,” said the baseball official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Johnny talked to A.J. about New York, the differences between New York and Boston, how he views it. [He] was extremely influential in this process, absolutely out front on this deal.”

I’d have to figure the most persuasive call came from Burnett’s accountant, informing him that the check had cleared. But what’s got me more concerned is the skill set that Burnett brings to the Yanks:

After a 2-1 loss to Burnett in August, Rodriguez said Burnett had “unbelievable stuff out there. He was throwing pellets…and had a snake for a breaking ball.”

Pellets and snakes, people. Pellets and snakes.

We are doomed.